<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Even If It Hurts by theblacksmith</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27569584">Even If It Hurts</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/theblacksmith/pseuds/theblacksmith'>theblacksmith</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A Song of Ice and Fire &amp; Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Mentions of Cancer, Student Sansa Stark, mentions of past tragic events, professor sandor clegane</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:46:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>27,605</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27569584</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/theblacksmith/pseuds/theblacksmith</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sansa Stark has always had a habit of sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. An avid lover of horror and thriller books, she tends to be drawn to mysterious people who seem to have some type of past. </p><p>Enter Sandor Clegane, a tall, broody man that grasps not only her curiosity but so much more than that. His scars and stormy eyes drew her in first, but once she realizes who he is, she knows that he is a man that is unattainable and one she should avoid at all costs. </p><p>Only if she could take her own advice, she might be able to avoid the heartbreak that is sure to follow a man like Sandor...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sandor Clegane/Sansa Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>126</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>160</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Graceless</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello all! Here I go with another story. </p><p>I appreciate the endless support that I've received in this fandom. I truly would be nothing without all of you.</p><p>Much love to all of you!  &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              </p><p> </p><p>
  <em><strong>I'm trying, but I'm graceless<br/>Don't have the sunny side to face this<br/>I am invisible and weightless<br/>You can't imagine how I hate this<br/>Graceless</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>☼ </strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em><strong>Sandor Clegane</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>OVERALL QUALITY</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>3.0</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>WOULD TAKE AGAIN</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>60%</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>LEVEL OF DIFFICULTY</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>4.5</strong> </em>
</p><p>
  <em> <strong>SKIP CLASS? YOU WON'T PASS. (17) GET READY TO READ (12) TOUGH GRADER (8) LECTURE HEAVY (7) RESPECTED (6) PARTICIPATION MATTERS (5) TEST HEAVY (5) ACCESSIBLE OUTSIDE CLASS (4) CLEAR GRADING CRITERIA (4) MOODY</strong></em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sansa sighed loudly in the space of her cozy, two-bedroom apartment. She needed to take this course to be able to graduate. It was an elective that she hadn't looked at twice for semesters, only focusing on the requirements she needed for her major. She also hadn't been paying much attention to when she was supposed to enroll in her classes. She had been too busy partying with Margaery to focus on what was much more important than long island iced teas.</p><p>Now, the only teacher available was moody Professor Clegane.</p><p>With much trepidation, Sansa clicked on his class and proceeded to enroll.</p><p>She closed her laptop, deciding not to judge this guy based off of reviews, and went about her morning per usual.</p><p>She drank her coffee while shooting off a text to Margaery, explaining her lousy luck with classes and how she will never look at a long island iced tea the same again.</p><p>Not long after, Sansa had fit in a quick morning workout, showering off the minimal sweat while savoring the warmth the water provided.</p><p>Sansa had been craving the bagels at Daisy's Bakery for weeks now and decided today was a perfect day to indulge. She dressed in a white sweater, black jeans, and her winter boots and winter jacket. Fall had finally arrived and had always been Sansa's favorite season. It was the perfect temperature before it would soon drop into below-freezing temperatures.</p><p>Oregon hadn't been Sansa's first spot to go to attend University. She had much preferred the warm temperatures of California. Still, when the University of Oregon accepted her, she had a gut feeling that going there would be for the best. She had met so many incredible people over the past four years. Her life had changed for the better, and though she missed her family like crazy, she couldn't be happier with her decision to move out of California.</p><p>Yanking on her gloves, she grabbed her wallet and keys. She locked up and began the trek to get her favorite cinnamon crunch bagel and hot cocoa on the side.</p><p>Sansa had always preferred walking everywhere to the utter dismay of Margaery. Sansa and her siblings practically lived to be outside. They would all pile into Robb's jeep, going on trips to the beach, places where they would camp out for days, and take hikes that sometimes ended up with them lost. Robb being the oldest always kept them calm. He found a way to ensure they felt safe no matter the circumstance.</p><p> A wave of grief crashed over Sansa thinking about Robb. The tears arose unbidden, one slipping down her cheek. She rushed to wipe it away, taking a deep breath, getting a reign on her emotions.</p><p> Robb had died a year ago. Cancer. He had been struggling with the sickness for years before it started truly eating at him. Even while his body gave up on him, Robb always smiled that kind smile that Sansa grew up with; the one that could always make her feel better. Sansa didn't understand how to breathe with Robb not around to put her back on her feet. He always reminded her of the strength she possessed even when she doubted herself.</p><p>Without his reassurance, she found herself lost, and that's when the drinking got out of hand. She told herself to ease up, to keep her education as her key focus, but she couldn't. Facing life without Robb a phone call away proved to be challenging. She sometimes found herself in a pool of her tears, drunk out of her mind calling his phone to hear his cheery voice. Her and her siblings would tease him about his voicemail tone all the time. He would always take their jabs with good humor. People gravitated towards Robb's easy-going personality. He was a genuinely good human being that died much too young.</p><p>Sansa got herself together before entering the bakery, the excitement she once felt not as grand as before. She moseyed up behind the person currently waiting in line, noticing immediately how he towered over her. Sansa didn't meet many people in her life that made her feel short. At 5'9, she usually would be taller than most people, the same height, or they'd be a bit taller, but with heels, she'd practically match their stature. She already knew that even with heels, she'd be craning her neck looking up at this mammoth of a man.</p><p>He stepped forward after the person in front of him placed their order, and moved out of the way. The guy behind the counter flashed a big, boyish smile and asked the mammoth what he wanted to order. Sansa knew she shouldn't be surprised by the timbre of the man in front of her, and yet, hearing how deep and husky he sounded took her off guard.</p><p>Her eyes had a mind of their own as they raced over his attire; dress shoes, black khaki's, his white button-up shirt tucked in, and a black leather jacket weirdly tied it all together. She could tell he worked out with the way his clothes fit him just right, hugging all the right muscles. His midnight hair hung in waves past his chin, hiding his face from her adamant gaze. He handed the guy a twenty-dollar bill; long, thick fingers accepted the change back, dropping it into the tip jar without hesitation. The guy gave him a wide-eyed look, thanking him, but the man only grunted back in affirmation and stepped off to the side.</p><p>Sansa snapped her eyes forward, walking up to the counter. She shoved a strand of hair behind her ear, meeting the guy's million-dollar smile.</p><p>"Welcome to Daisy's. What can I get for you today?"</p><p>"A cinnamon crunch bagel and a small hot cocoa, please," she said confidently. However, her nerves were running rampant on the inside.</p><p>"You got it," Oberyn replied. Sansa had snagged a look at his nametag as he typed her order into the computer. "That will be four bucks."</p><p>Sansa opened her clutch and handed him four crisp dollar bills. She decided to take a note from the man before her and left a tip in the jar with the extra three bucks she had in her wallet. Oberyn rewarded her with a smile and a wink before he went to help the other employee finish up everyone's order.</p><p>Sansa turned to find a spot to sit, for the time being, noting the mammoth of a man checking his watch. She couldn't help letting out a small gasp, seeing the burns that marred the left side of his face. Even from where she stood, she could tell he had surgery to mend the skin. Still, it looked painful, the scars telling a story of what could only have been a tragic event.</p><p>The other side of his face spoke of an entirely different story. His features were profound, a strong brow that curved menacingly, sharp cheekbones, a hooked nose, and a strong jaw that clenched when he dropped his arm back to his side. He seemed annoyed by something, but Sansa didn't get enough time to analyze his expression, Oberyn called out a name, and it so happened to be his. His long legs brought him over to the pick-up counter with ease. He grabbed his drink, offering a mumbled thanks.</p><p>Sansa held her breath regarding him as subtly as she could. She would have never been able to prepare herself for his gaze to meet hers. She couldn't even look away, entranced by the color of his eyes.</p><p>Eyes of steel peered down at her, and she swallowed through the dryness that coated her throat. His expression gave nothing away, and before she could really process it, that handsome, beast of a man disappeared out the door.</p><p>Her name being called startled her out of her fixation, and she hurried up to the counter.</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>"He's a professor, by the way, at the University of Oregon,” Oberyn mentioned.</p><p>"What?" Sansa asked, not quite sure what he was getting at.</p><p>Oberyn chuckled, "I figured you wouldn't recognize me. I barely started working here, and we only had a few classes together. But I thought everyone knew of Sandor Clegane. I've never seen someone stare at him so openly like you did." She could see the knowing look in his eye.</p><p>She took in Oberyn 's short brown hair, dark eyes, and boyish smile. Recognition hit her, and she recalled she did know him from some of the math classes she had been forced to take.</p><p>"I do remember you. Sorry," she said.</p><p>He waved his hand in front of his face. "No worries. So, you don't know of Professor Clegane?"</p><p>"That was him?" She didn't know what game life had decided to play with her. She had just signed up for that man's class, and now she would have to see him for the next five months. She couldn't help finding him attractive. He had a different vibe to him. She felt like a moth being drawn to the flame.</p><p>"Yes. He's not the nicest guy, but he takes his work seriously and does right by the students that actually try in his class."</p><p>"I actually just enrolled in his class."</p><p> Oberyn offered a sympathetic smile. "My advice would be to make sure you read everything he assigns. He tends to pick on people he doesn't think reads the material. If you know what you're talking about when he picks on you, then he doesn't bother you anymore. Do your best and don't piss him off, and you'll pass the class easily."</p><p>Sansa took her cocoa and bagel. "Thank you for the advice, Oberyn. I appreciate it. I'll see you around."</p><p>"See you later," he said and turned back to cleaning down the counter.</p><p>Sansa arrived home, devouring the bagel, and practically drowned herself in the hot cocoa. It was deemed to be necessary with the fact her mind kept straying back to Professor Clegane. She had no idea how she would get through his class with all the things that had started to filter through her mind. She groaned, needing to take a step back and get it through her head that he would be her Professor soon enough and that she had absolutely zero chance of being with him.</p><p>She couldn't even understand why she felt so attracted to him. He didn't match up with the guys she usually gravitated towards. She couldn't lie and say she didn't go after pretty boys with perfect features and no scars to account for. They tended to be leaner and barely taller than Sansa. Now, Sandor Clegane had come into her little world and torn that image apart with his rugged look.</p><p>Margaery would think her crazy once she found out about Sansa's little crush.</p><p>Sansa knew these feelings for a stranger would soon dissipate. Sandor Clegane seemed to be known for being a moody guy, which would work to Sansa's advantage, or so she hoped it would.</p><p>⁂</p><p>1 month later</p><p>Sansa stood outside the door of Professor Clegane's class. She had gotten out early for her last class and tried to kill some time by getting coffee, but now she wanted a quiet place to go over the syllabus for her previous class. She figured no one would be in there because she found out that this room had been specifically designated for all of Professor Clegane's classes.</p><p>It seemed many people on campus had a thing or two to say about Professor Clegane. After that fateful day at Daisy's, she had talked to Oberyn again and found out more than enough about the infamous Sandor Clegane to last her for a lifetime. His reputation followed him like a dark cloud. Students and Professors alike respected him, but his broody aura tended to keep everyone at a distance. No one ventured to get to know him. He seemed to be mostly known for his blunt attitude, informative lectures, and sharp tongue that spouted sarcasm and profanities from what Oberyn had told her.</p><p>In her previous classes, she had gotten to know a couple of fellow students, and they too had a lot to say when she mentioned she would be taking Clegane's class. She received so much advice that she could hardly remember any of it now that she stood outside his classroom.</p><p>Taking a deep breath, she reminded herself not to jump the gun on judging him. She didn't know him. On that note, she opened the door, immediately regretting her decision when she saw him sitting behind his desk, glasses on and a book in hand. The door slammed behind her, affirming her arrival. She felt her legs almost give out on her when his steely eyes landed on her.</p><p>He shut his book and took off his glasses. "Can I help you?" His voice sounded how gravel would sound if it could talk. She shook off the silly thought, finding her voice.</p><p>"I'm in your Deviant Behavior class. My last class got out early, and I figured I'd just hole up here until class started," she said without stuttering to her surprise.</p><p>"Don't let me stop you," he replied, putting his glasses back on and picked up his book again. She saw the title said, 'Red Dragon.' She had always enjoyed reading and watching mystery-thrillers. She recognized the title as being a part of the Hannibal series. It just so happened to be one of her favorites.</p><p>"Have you seen the movie?" she blurted before she could stop herself.</p><p>His gaze flickered back to hers. "No."</p><p>She didn't know what to do with such a short response. She felt stupid, realizing if he was reading the book, most likely, he didn't know what happened and hadn't seen the movie.</p><p>"I have read this book before," he added. "Just not a fan of movies."</p><p>She couldn't stop the smile that spread on her face. "I've read the book multiple times too."</p><p>His expression stayed stone-cold, unchanging, but he had actually spoken to her. She wouldn't allow herself to be deterred by something so minuscule. She took a seat towards the middle of the class, not wanting to sit right in front of him. She didn't think she could handle being that close to him. She figured he wouldn't respond to her. She didn't care if he did. She had already made progress with the big grump on campus. She counted it as a success.</p><p>She sat down, pulling her laptop out, and waited for it to boot up.</p><p>"Have you read Silence of the Lambs?"</p><p>She startled slightly at his question. She honestly didn't expect him to continue the conversation. She lit up and nodded a little too happily. She couldn't find it in her to care, though.</p><p>"It's great. I've just always preferred the premise of 'Red Dragon.'"</p><p>Once again, he set his book down, leaving his glasses on as he folded his arms over his broad chest. He leaned back in his chair, his sharp gaze remaining on her. She had never seen a man both massive in width and height. She bet he could lift her with ease.</p><p>The thought made her blush, quickly she shoved a strand of hair behind her ear. She did her best to not avert her gaze from his.</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>She swallowed through her nerves, answering his question. "It's interesting to read about the inner workings of Will Graham. He's been through a traumatic event, and yet, he's still pressured into a crazy game that he has to get to the bottom of. Then, of course, there's Francis, with who I have a love-hate relationship. If he could only heal from his past and let go of his delusion with the 'Red Dragon,' he could have had a normal life with Reba, who is a total badass, mind you. Still, in the end, he loses everything. It's a crazy book with a lot of characters that actually make you feel for them."</p><p>"You make some good points, Miss?"</p><p>"Stark, um, Sansa Stark," she stammered. She immediately wanted to crawl under a rock for that misstep in her speech.</p><p>She swore she saw a small smile flicker across his lips. The movement too small to tell. "Do you prefer to go by Sansa or Miss Stark?"</p><p>"Sansa is fine," she said a little too breathlessly for her liking.</p><p>He cleared his throat, smoothing his hand through his midnight locks. That's when she saw it blatantly on his finger, a stark contrast to his hair. The metal mocked her, telling her without words this man would never be hers in any shape or form.</p><p>Sandor Clegane had a wife.</p><p>No one mentioned that. No one said that this supposedly broody man had someone waiting diligently for him every night. Someone who kissed those plush lips and ran their hands over all of his never-ending muscle.</p><p>She felt crushed by the discovery; utter disappointment coursed through her, and the jealousy hit her like an unexplainable wave. She didn't know what she had been thinking. Sandor Clegane would be her Professor for the next several months. She couldn't be with him even if the feeling happened to be mutual. It would be forbidden. Professor and student relationships always ended up bad. She wouldn't want him to lose his career over her.</p><p>Her sister, Arya, always told Sansa to learn how to school her face because her expressions gave her away. She immediately noticed his eyes falling on where hers were currently pinpointed. He stared at his ring for a beat before turning his gaze to hers. Her face had definitely been crestfallen; she had no doubts about that. She felt her entire body erupt in heat, knowing her face matched her hair at this point.</p><p>His jaw clenched, grey eyes narrowing at her in a menacing way that had her squirming in her seat. Suddenly, students began filing into the class. Sansa thanked her lucky stars for that small relief. He took off his glasses, standing and turning to face the whiteboard. She released the breath she had been holding, turning her focus back to her laptop. She refused to be caught staring at him when he turned back around. She could only imagine what he thought of her now.</p><p>Once the class settled down, she turned her attention back to the board. He had written his name in surprisingly neat handwriting and the time and date when their class would meet.</p><p>He checked his watch, addressing the class immediately at 2:30 pm.</p><p>"If you didn't already know, I'm Sandor Clegane. You can address me as Sandor, Mr. Clegane, or Professor Clegane. That's all that I will answer to. This class will meet every Tuesday and Thursday at 2:30 pm and will end at 4 pm. Attendance and being on time are crucial to whether you succeed in this class or not. I tend to be lecture heavy and just know any reading assignments I assign will always be on quizzes and tests. I suggest you read them. I will end the class early only if we get through everything I intend for the hour and a half I have with all of you. It all depends on your participation. The more you participate, and I feel like the lot of you actually are trying to pass this class, then I'll be more lenient with your time. So, don't waste mine. Today we'll briefly go over the syllabus, and I'll give you your first reading assignment, and you can all be on your way. How's that sound?"</p><p>"Good," most of the class responded, but Sansa kept quiet.</p><p>After Sandor passed out the syllabus and reading assignment. He did as promised, going over everything necessary quickly and efficiently. He let them know to answer the first two questions asked at the end of the reading and dismissed the class without another word.</p><p>Sansa shoved her laptop back in its case and gathered her belongings with an urgency that she didn't know she possessed. She tended to take her time with mostly everything. Today, she felt off-balance after he looked at her in an ominous but almost curious way. He knew she had been staring at his wedding ring, and that means he must have seen her disappointment, or maybe he didn't read so much into as she thought. She could feel her anxiety beginning to spin out of control and made a beeline for the door, not sparing him a second look.</p><p>Once outside the building, the cold hit her, allowing her to breathe normally for the first time in an hour. Sandor Clegane would be the ruin of her if she didn't build up her defenses now versus when it would be all too late to recover. He had a crazy effect on her. It troubled her, but she didn't have time to worry about a man out of all things. She set her sights on her next class and shoved him to the depths of her mind.</p><p>For now.</p><p>⁂</p><p>"You have a crush on your Professor?" Margaery announced much too loudly in the small café they had met up for lunch.</p><p>"Could you be any louder, Marg?" Sansa hissed, ensuring no one had paid attention to them. Once she felt like they were in the clear, she went back to picking at her muffin. "I don't have a crush. I'm just curious about him."</p><p>Margaery raised her perfectly shaped brow, so prim and proper in her seat as she looked down her nose at Sansa. "So a crush?"</p><p>Sansa rolled her eyes, shoving the mostly picked at muffin away from her. "I'm not used to seeing men that look like him. He's a man…not a boy. I'm just drawn to him and don't know why."</p><p>"Oh, Sansa, don't do this to yourself. Stay far away from thoughts of him. It won't end well. It never does."</p><p>"I'm not going to entertain thoughts of being with him. He's married anyway. I just want to figure him out."</p><p>Margaery sighed. "You always do this, Sansa. You fixate on people who are mysterious or not per se normal. This isn't like one of your books. If you go putting your nose where it doesn't belong, you might find it's not so pretty on the other side."</p><p>"It's not like this guy is a killer outside of being a professor."</p><p>"You don't know that. You don't know the guy. Be careful, Sansa. You worry me more often than not."</p><p>"You didn't always worry so much about me." Margaery had always been protective of her. After Robb died, her mother-like nature enhanced to the point Sansa could barely stand it sometimes. Sansa tended to just bite her tongue and let it be. Arguing with Margaery proved to be pointless more often than not. Margaery happened to be the queen of getting her way. Sansa didn't desire to step on that land mine if she chose to stand her ground.</p><p>"You know I only say and do the things that are for your own good."</p><p>"I'm sure you only have my best interest at heart, Marg. But I'm not a child. I know what I'm doing."</p><p>Margaery narrowed her eyes. "Do you really, Sansa? Because to me, it sounds like this little crush on your Professor has you fixating on something that could hurt you. You don't want to go down that road, trust me."</p><p>"Why should I trust you?" Sansa couldn't help but be irritated. Margaery may be her best friend, but she was starting to step on her toes.</p><p>"Because I've had an affair with a professor, and it did not end well," Margaery admitted and took a sip of her diet coke.</p><p>"I'm not going to sleep with my professor," Sansa muttered. Sadly, not shocked that Margaery has been through such an experience. She had no quarrel with pushing the envelope. It happened to be one of the big reasons why Sansa loved Marg so much. Marg was unapologetically herself.</p><p>"That's what you say now."</p><p>"As I said, I know what I'm doing, Marg. I've got to go."</p><p>A clipped smile appeared on Margaery's face. "I'll see you around."</p><p>"Yeah, see you around," Sansa replied, giving her an awkward wave and hurriedly made her way back home.</p><p>Sansa knew Marg would tell her to stay far away from her Professor. Still, Sansa couldn't stop her wandering thoughts, wanting to understand the man that had gained a reputation for distancing himself from others. He had spoken to her on the first day. That had to mean something, right?</p><p>Once home, Sansa prepared a quick dinner before deciding to work on homework. It would be best to get most of it out of the way sooner than later. Knowing Marg, they would be partying this weekend. Sansa would welcome the invitation with open arms. She had no doubts she would need a drink after this week.</p><p>⁂</p><p>Thursday rolled around faster than Sansa wanted. Her previous class had once again let them out early. She wasn't in the mood for coffee. So, she wandered the campus for a while before heading to class twenty minutes early.</p><p>She figured he'd be inside. This time around, she would keep her mouth closed and not stare at his wedding ring or him in general. She nodded and walked in, keeping her head held high. She refused to show any sign of weakness.</p><p>She sat where she did on Tuesday, taking out her laptop.</p><p>"Are you going to make a habit of this?" His husky voice immediately drew her gaze to his.</p><p>"A habit of what?" She asked, tilting her head like she didn't know what he meant.</p><p>She saw the muscle beneath his good eye twitch. "Coming to my class early."</p><p>"Would you rather me wait outside next time? I didn't know I would be so bothersome to you."</p><p>Sansa wasn't typically so feisty, but this man clearly brought that side out in her. He obviously hadn't been prepared for such a response. That familiar jaw clench emerged; a tic that she knew to look for much too soon.</p><p>"Aren't you supposed to be in a different class right now?"</p><p>"She let us out early again. Once she stops doing that, you will only have to see my face for an hour and a half on Tuesdays and Thursdays," she said with venom in her tone.</p><p>She didn't miss the way his hands clenched on the armrests of his chair. His knuckles bled into white due to how hard he gripped the leather.</p><p>He didn't get a chance to say anything due to students interrupting their exchange. She wondered if they all felt the tension that swarmed in the room. If they did, they sure didn't act like they knew anything had conspired between her and Sandor.</p><p>Sansa could tell her snarky attitude had eaten at him. His tone held a wave of underlying anger beneath it the entire time, and he ended class with twenty minutes to spare. Sansa prepared to make another speedy exit until she heard her name slip from his lips.</p><p>"Sansa, a moment, please."</p><p>Sansa noticed several people give her a sympathetic look as they whispered amongst themselves: escaping out the door. Sansa wished she could ignore him and follow the others out without worrying about what he wanted to tell her. But Sansa had been raised better than that. So, she gathered her courage and made her way up to his desk. </p><p>He leaned against the now clean whiteboard, not making any moves to sit down.</p><p>She waited for him to say something, anything. Instead, he stared at her with an expression she couldn't read.</p><p>"Is there something you needed to tell me, or can I go?" Sansa snapped, crossing her arms in front of her.</p><p>"If I offended you by asking a simple question, then I'm sorry, but your attitude isn't necessary."</p><p>Sansa could hear the blatant sarcasm in his voice. He had the nerve to tell her to fix her attitude when his wasn't any better.</p><p>"As if you are all sunshine and rainbows. Maybe I'll fix my attitude when you fix yours."</p><p>He pushed away from the wall, walking towards the desk. She didn't let his stature intimidate her. She gave him a look of defiance, daring him to say something.</p><p>"When you're my age, you can get away with having a sour attitude. Until then, I won't let someone half my age tell me what to say or do."</p><p>She hated how superior he acted. She wanted to knock him off his pedestal. "You can't be that much older than me. Sure don't look it."</p><p>The words she had just spoken had taken them both by surprise. She hadn't even tried to hide her flirtatious tone. That had not been what she intended to say. She wanted to give him a piece of her mind, not tell him that he appeared a lot younger than 40 something. Sansa had turned twenty-three last month. If he genuinely happened to be twenty years older, he'd be forty-three. Yet, to her, he looked to be in his early thirties. She couldn't be sure, though.</p><p>Sandor peered down at her, obviously trying to figure out if she had actually said what she said.</p><p>"I just mean, you don't even have wrinkles. You couldn't possibly be in your forties." Sansa flushed, wishing she'd just stop talking before she made things worse.</p><p> "Is this your way of trying to ask me how old I am?"</p><p>Sansa shook her head. "I didn't mean to pry. I was just-I mean-I was just trying to tell you to fix your attitude before telling people to do the same."</p><p>She would honestly like to fall off the earth now.</p><p>"You obviously thought I was trying to be a dick by asking you if you were going to make a habit of coming to my class early. I know you already understood what I meant, and yet, you played stupid. You seem like an intelligent woman, Sansa. Don't waste your time being something you're not. I didn't mean to make you feel unwelcome. I'm not used to students wanting to be in my class, let alone wanting to be here early with me."</p><p>Sansa blushed at the way 'dick' slipped off his tongue so effortlessly. It sounded even worse due to his deep and husky timbre. She hoped he didn't see the way her thighs pressed together.</p><p>"I'm sorry for coming off so strong." She could hardly form a coherent thought in her head. Too stuck on the profanity that he had spoken.</p><p>"I don't honestly mind the attitude. It's refreshing for someone to stand up to me for once. Just don't make a habit of it." The smallest of smiles flashed on his lips and vanished as quickly as it appeared.</p><p>"I won't."</p><p>"Good." He sat down, turning his sights to his monitor.</p><p>"Have a good day, Professor," she murmured.</p><p>"You too, Sansa."</p><p>Sansa hurried out of the class, unable to stop the rapid beating of her heart. She started to feel like not becoming fixated with Sandor Clegane would prove to be impossible.</p><p>☼</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Demons</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So sorry for the delay! I should be back on schedule for next Sunday :) </p><p>Thank you so much for all of your comments! I will respond soon &lt;3</p><p>Much love &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  </p><p><em> <strong>I</strong> </em> <em> <strong> get this sudden sinking feeling</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>Of a man about to fly</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>Never kept me up before</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>Now I've been awake for days</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>I can't fight it anymore</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>I'm going through an awkward phase</strong> </em></p><p> </p><p>Sansa had to have the worst luck. At this point, she would put money on the fact the universe loathed her existence.</p><p> The moment she had stepped into Daisy's, she saw who waited patiently in line. He wasn't exactly hard to miss or not recognize.</p><p>She could still run away now without him ever knowing she had been there, but her cinnamon crunch bagel called her name. Sansa couldn't resist and conceded to stay. She found her spot behind him, praying to every god in the universe for him to not notice her.</p><p> "Oh wow, déjà vu," Oberyn laughed.</p><p>"What?" Sandor asked. Sansa could hear the confusion in his voice. She, too, didn't understand what the hell Oberyn meant.</p><p>"You, her, me all together again," Oberyn continued.</p><p>Sandor peered over his shoulder and gave her an idle look. Sansa immediately became unbearably warm in her black pleated sweater. She wanted to melt into the ground or punch Oberyn. Either option sounded fine at that moment. Instead, she smiled to the best of her ability at him, hoping that it didn't come off too fake.</p><p>"Good morning, Mr. Clegane," Sansa pushed herself to say.</p><p>"Morning, Sansa," he returned. His expression once again gave nothing of what he thought away.</p><p>He turned back to Oberyn and placed his order, stepping out of the way without another word. Sansa moved up to the counter, pinning Oberyn with a glare.</p><p>"Um, what can I get for you, Sansa?" Oberyn nervously spoke.</p><p>"Cinnamon crunch bagel and hot cocoa, Oberyn." Sansa didn't hide the annoyance from her tone. Oberyn put her into one of the most awkward moments of her life. Granted, she had had plenty of awkward moments, but this one took the cake.</p><p>"Right away," he said with an apologetic smile.</p><p>Sansa took a seat, feeling the déjà vu Oberyn had mentioned. However, it had been a Monday last time, not a Saturday. She thought she could escape seeing Sandor outside of school. Fate had other plans.</p><p>A shadow fell beside her, alarming her enough to make her jump. It turned out to only be Sandor. "Can I sit?" He asked.</p><p>"Sure," she stammered, picking at a loose string on her sweater.</p><p>For such a large man, he sat down quite elegantly. He still had to man spread, a habit she hated when guys did, but with him, she couldn't find it in her to care. It gave her access to stare openly at his thick thighs and the way he filled out his pants. She quickly averted her gaze from that aspect, knowing if he caught her, she could never show her face around him again.</p><p>Instead, she admired his black thermal, enjoying the way the material hugged his defined chest and broad shoulders.</p><p>"Do you like Stephen King's books?"</p><p>Sansa wondered if she'd ever get over the sound of his voice. She figured it'd be highly unlikely.</p><p>"I've only read IT, and it goes into way more detail in the book versus the movie."</p><p>Sandor's lips crooked into a small smile. "Isn't the book normally better than the movie?"</p><p>Sansa shrugged. "Not always. Some movies tend to be better than the books because both are terrible in general. Like 50 shades of Grey. Terrible book, but the movie wasn't that bad."</p><p>Sandor scoffed. "Don't tell me you read trash like that."</p><p>"Sometimes, if I'm bored. Horror books are great and all, but from time to time, I have to take a break from the darkness."</p><p>Sansa didn't necessarily mean to bring up a book revolving around BDSM. It had sort of slipped out, and she couldn't reel it back in. So, she had to roll with the punches. Thankfully, as usual, Sandor didn't have much of a reaction to her flirtation.</p><p>"I guess you're entitled to read whatever you like even if it has no sustenance."</p><p>Sansa grinned. "And I guess you're entitled to your opinion on a book that has made so much profit. I mean, that woman is rich as all hell even with her overuse of the word 'Oh, my.' Can you honestly say she didn't do something right?"</p><p>Sandor's face shifted from latent to one she hadn't seen before. She could only describe it as intrigue.</p><p>"Just because she made money off of her writing, that doesn't exactly mean she's an outstanding author, now does it?"</p><p>Sansa pretended to ponder the thought, exaggerating her movements. "Hm, I guess you must be right," she said with a tinge of sarcasm.</p><p>Sandor chuckled. His laugh sounded almost like a growl, and yet, to Sansa, it came off endearing.</p><p>At that moment, Oberyn called Sandor's name. The smile upon Sansa's face fell, knowing he'd have to leave, and that would be an end to their conversation. As if on cue, Sandor stood.</p><p>"I'll see you in class, Sansa," he rasped, not waiting for her to answer. He made his way to the counter, grabbed his drink, and walked out like he hadn't just talked to her. She felt defeated and slumped in her chair. She didn't have much time to pout over her loss. Her name was called only moments later.</p><p>She moseyed up to the counter. "You made Sandor fucking Clegane smile, Sansa. Who in the hell are you?" Oberyn declared with a shocked look upon his face.</p><p>"I'm sure he often smiles," Sansa mumbled, grabbing her drink and bagel.</p><p>"I have never seen that man smile once in the four years I've attended University, let alone give any student the time of day. Trust me, I've seen many girls try to flirt with him to get a better grade. A pretty face doesn't move him. You're different, Sansa. Whether you want to admit it or not, Sandor Clegane seems to enjoy your company genuinely."</p><p>Sansa glowed bright red, making Oberyn laugh out loud. "Oh, Sansa, you're gone for that guy, aren't you?"</p><p>She shook her head hard and fast. The last thing she wanted was for a rumor to spread about her crush on Sandor.</p><p>"No! What makes you assume that?"</p><p>Oberyn quirked a dark brow at her. "Sansa, you're going to tell me you don't like him?"</p><p>"We hardly know each other enough for me to tell you who I like."</p><p>"Well, then let's get to know each other better. We can grab a drink sometime. Completely platonic, and you can tell me all about why you are so fascinated by the biggest grump I've ever met."</p><p>Sansa stared into Oberyn's dark eyes and didn't see a hint of deception in them. She figured she'd have to step outside of the box and make a friend other than Margaery.</p><p>"Fine. We can hang, but I don't like Sandor," she clarified without a hint of truth behind the words.</p><p>"Sure," Oberyn said with a wink. "Let me see your phone."</p><p>She handed it over. He entered his phone number and handed it back to her. "Hit me up when you want to have a fun night."</p><p>She offered him a smile, thanking him for the drink and bagel. She headed back home, hoping that she could trust Oberyn. He seemed nice enough. She would at least give him a shot before completely writing him off.</p><p>Not long after she returned home, she sent off a text to Margaery asking her to come over tonight to drink and watch a horror movie that Sansa needed to check off her list.</p><p>Margaery didn't have the same admiration for horror movies as Sansa, but she always indulged her fascination. She replied almost instantly, saying she would pick up some vodka and juice before she headed over.</p><p> It was best to bury the hatchet with Margaery. Sansa wouldn't let some man get in between their friendship. Plus, Sansa would never cross the line with Sandor. The fact he wore his wedding ring proud on his hand proof enough that Sansa didn't stand a chance.</p><p>She sighed; thinking about such things sucked. She responded to Marg with a heart emoji, placing her phone down to eat. She watched reruns of the office, eventually succumbing to sleep.</p><p>⁂</p><p>Sansa woke up around seven, seeing that Margaery would be over in the next thirty minutes. She changed into yoga pants and put on a sweater, making her way into the kitchen. She pulled out a large bowl, setting it on the counter to grab the m&amp;m's she had stocked up on for nights such as these. Once it got closer to Margaery's arrival, Sansa heated up the popcorn and poured it into the bowl along with the m&amp;m's.</p><p>Margaery showed up moments later, greeting Sansa with a big hug and kiss to the cheek. "I'm so glad you texted me."</p><p>"I'm glad you texted back," Sansa said, returning the hug tenfold.</p><p>They made their way to the couch. As Sansa put on the movie, 'Candyman' Margaery wasted no time in grabbing the bowl of popcorn, stuffing a handful into her mouth. Sansa let out a laugh, plopping down beside her to indulge in the chocolaty/salty treat.</p><p>About thirty minutes into the movie, Margaery broke the silence between them. "I'm sorry for trying to tell you what to do when it came to your professor."</p><p>Sansa turned to face Marg, tucking her knees under her chin. She gave a small shrug. "You're not wrong for what you said, Marg. You're only looking out for me, and I took it too personally."</p><p>A soft smile formed on Marg's face. "I know you're not me, Sansa. You think before you act. I've never been good at that, and after my affair with my professor ended terribly, I worried that you'd end up getting your heart broken too. Your feelings are valid, though. I didn't mean to make you feel like I don't care."</p><p>Sansa shook her head vehemently. "You didn't make me feel like you don't care, quite the opposite. I can tell how much you care, and you're right; I should stay far away from Sandor. I mean, I know nothing will happen between us because he's married. However, sometimes I get this crazy feeling of jealousy inside me, and it makes me want him to look at me, to want me. It's insane."</p><p>"It's not insane, Sansa. It's called attraction, and sometimes there's nothing we can do to stop the feelings we have for someone. I just don't want you to wind up hurt."</p><p>"I won't let myself fall too deep. I promise."</p><p>Margaery tugged Sansa into her side. "I know, best friend. I know."</p><p>Sansa closed her eyes, basking in her friend's embrace, knowing deep down inside by the tone of her voice that she wasn't convinced. They didn't say anything more, watching the movie until the credits rolled.</p><p>⁂</p><p>What the hell was she even thinking?</p><p>She shouldn't be standing outside his door. Who could blame her, though? The professor for her previous class had no quarrel with letting them leave after a quick thirty-minute lecture and a ten- minute discussion between fellow students. She didn't have anywhere else to go for the next hour between classes. She figured that Sandor wouldn't mind her arriving early after their last conversation.</p><p>Sansa fretfully smoothed down her blouse. She wouldn't lie and say she didn't dress up a little more than usual today. She wore a pleated black and white skirt with pale tights that made it look like her skin showed. She still accounted for the cold weather pairing the ensemble off with a black coat and boots. Her hair fell in neat curls, and she had put a streak of blush on her cheeks to finish the outfit off.</p><p>Sansa drew in a long breath, holding it for a moment, before exhaling noisily. She amped herself up, grabbing the knob, and entered the classroom. She didn't even look in his general direction, heading straight to her seat. She set her stuff on the desk, shrugging her coat off, and placed it on the back of her chair.</p><p>She finally looked up to see Sandor staring straight at her, a stoic expression on his face. Her heart felt close to breaking out of her chest; feeling breathless, she forced herself to smile at him.</p><p>"Good afternoon Professor Clegane," she said, noting the way her voice trembled ever so slightly. She hoped to everything holy he didn't notice.</p><p>He shut the book in his hand, sitting straighter in his chair as he folded his arms over his chest. She did everything in her power to not notice the way he had rolled his sleeves up to his elbows or the thick veins that weaved their way along his forearms. </p><p>"Good afternoon, Sansa," he rasped.</p><p>She felt a lump rise in her throat.</p><p>His voice would be the death of her.</p><p>Her eyes turned to his unruly black hair. It sailed past his nape, the long strands barely skimming the top of his broad shoulders. She wanted to know how soft it would feel between her fingers.</p><p>Sandor stood abruptly, shaking Sansa from her reverie. She watched with bated breath as he opened a drawer in his desk and retrieved a large book that looked small in his hand. He didn't delay walking up the short number of steps it took to get to the middle row where she always found a seat. She swallowed harshly when he stood in front of her; a drop of sweat beaded and trickled down her spine as she raised her gaze to his.</p><p>He shoved his free hand into his khakis and extended the other with the book towards her. "You said you had only read IT. I own almost all of Stephen King's books. I figured I could loan you them one at a time if you want," he said so casually as if he wasn't offering a student books from his library. Books that he had read over and over again in those massive hands of his. She felt her face heat in embarrassment at the route her brain had taken.</p><p>She grasped the book with shaky hands. "Thank you," she whispered, glancing down at the title. The cover was of eyes and flames dancing between them, 'FIRESTARTER' displayed in bold print at the top.</p><p>"There's a movie, too." Sansa gazed up at him, regarding the tiny smirk that played at the corners of his lips.</p><p>Sansa couldn't help but feel the tension drain out of her at his subtle playfulness. She smiled brightly at him, one that she saved only for her close friends and family. She watched as the smirk immediately dropped from his face.</p><p>Her brows furrowed in confusion. That was definitely not the reaction she had been expecting. It took her completely off guard. She watched his body go rigid. He stared at her incredulously before he jerked his gaze away as if burnt.</p><p>"Let me know how you like it," he stated in a low and intense voice. He wasted no time in returning to his desk, grabbing a marker a little too aggressively, and began to write on the board.</p><p>She sat down, not entirely understanding the sudden shift that had occurred—one moment he's handing her a damn book and smirking at her. In the next moment, he's acting like she's a creature from another planet. She had barely interacted with Sandor a handful of times, and they had all gone from hot to cold or vice versa much too quickly for her to keep up.</p><p>Sandor slammed the marker down on his desk, making Sansa jump in her seat. She had once again gotten lost in her thoughts. He peered over at her, his eyes liquid black. She inhaled sharply, and it was her turn to rip her gaze from his. She couldn't handle that scrutiny because she didn't know what it meant. She decided to open the book he had given her and bury her nose in it to avoid any more awkward looks between them.</p><p>Students clamored into the room, talking amongst themselves. The sounds of chairs scraping, and items being placed on desks made Sansa look up. Sandor had put his glasses on, focusing on the notes he always used for his lectures. She sighed in relief, unable to withstand that dark gaze that had entirely erased the grey in his eyes. She had to have been mistaken. The guy was married for heaven's sake. There was no way in hell that he had felt even semi-attracted to her at that moment. Yet, as much as she kept telling herself that, she couldn't believe it to be entirely accurate. Sandor had been thinking something inside of that head of his, which made Sansa's curiosity run rampant.</p><p>Sandor began talking, but Sansa couldn't focus on the words coming out of his mouth even then.</p><p>For the rest of the class, she drank in his every feature, from his scars to his corded neck, down to where the material of his button-up shirt hugged his broad chest and tapered waist. His shirt was tucked in as usual, and she drew her gaze lower to his thick thighs and further down to his immaculate dress shoes. She found her gaze drawn to his ring finger, the silver mocking her, daring her to try to make a move on Sandor. Sansa had promised Marg she wouldn't do anything rash. Yet, Sandor had begun to work his way beneath Sansa's skin, taking root, and she didn't want to carve him out of her.</p><p>She wanted him.</p><p>She didn't entirely know why, but she did.</p><p>Her breaths had quickened, chest rising and falling a little faster. She rubbed her thighs together, feeling the heat between them. She blushed furiously at the wetness that seeped out of her. She needed to get the hell out of here before she made a fool of herself.</p><p>She made to stand until she noticed everyone around her doing the same. The class had ended to her utter delight. She shoved her stuff into her bag, unceremoniously, grabbing the book about to do the same. She stopped herself, instead deciding she'd carry it to ensure it didn't get ruined. She tugged on her coat and grabbed her things, making her way to the door. All the other students had successfully made it out of the class, leaving Sansa all alone.</p><p>She went to grab the knob until his deep voice stopped her.</p><p>"Take care, Sansa."</p><p>She felt uncomfortably wet, desperate to appease the ache that had built low in her stomach because of him. She almost locked the door to demand him to take responsibility for what he had caused within her. Instead, she gave him a tight-lipped smile. "You too, Professor."</p><p>She didn't miss the tic under his eye or the tightening of his jaw. She did miss the perplexed look he shot her with her back facing him as she left.</p><p>Sandor indeed was a mystery, and Sansa didn't quite know if he was one that should be solved.</p><p>Whatever road that leads to the truth that lay beneath Sandor's surface would not be easy. She had to either commit to this fascination with him or completely let go of it.</p><p>Margaery knew her too well.</p><p> Sansa was about to dive down the rabbit hole. There would be no coming out unscathed. In the end, she would either lose her heart or soul to Sandor.</p><p>She just didn't know which one was worth giving up.</p><p>☼</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>XOXO</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Humiliation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I would love to hear all your guys theories on Sandor and the wedding ring! If you all feel like sharing ;)</p><p>Thank you for reading! </p><p>Much love &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  </p>
<p></p><div class="ujudUb xpdxpnd">
  <p>
    <em><strong>Tunnel vision lights my way</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>Lead a little life today</strong> </em>
  </p>
</div><div class="ujudUb xpdxpnd">
  <p>
    <em> <strong>As the free-fall advances</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>I'm the moron who dances</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>Ah</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>I was teething on roses</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>I was in guns and noses</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>Ah</strong> </em>
  </p>
</div><div class="ujudUb xpdxpnd">
  <p>
    <em> <strong>Under the withering white skies of humiliation</strong> </em>
  </p>
</div><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Do you think we'll be together forever?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He rolled over on the grass and met her green gaze.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Her brown hair billowed around her face like a halo. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She always reminded him of an angel. His angel. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Always and forever," he whispered, reaching out to touch her cheek. He felt wetness upon his palm as the skies turned grey above them. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her smile wobbled. "I love you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Rain began to pour down, her beginning to disappear with it. "Don't go." He panicked, reaching out to her, but his hand went right through her. </em>
</p><p>Her sad eyes were the last thing he saw before he woke up with a gasp.</p><p>Sandor stared at the ceiling, his heart thundering inside his chest. He had sweat through his t-shirt and inevitably the sheets too. He cursed under his breath; grasping the back of his shirt, he yanked it over his head, welcoming the cool breeze that hit his skin.</p><p>He had to leave the windows open due to the nightmares that never seemed to cease causing him to wake up in cold sweats. He had extra sheets to cycle through at this point due to how frequently they occurred.</p><p>He sighed, turning to sit on the side of his bed. His feet touched the cool tile and helped with the heat that had taken over his body. He placed his elbows on his knees and cradled his head in his hands: another nightmare, another restless night with no sleep on the horizon.</p><p>The only thing that would benefit him at this point would be working out. The University had a 24-hour gym that he frequented at random hours of the night and early morning due to his insomniac ways. He peered over at his nightstand, seeing four am flashing back at him. He had at least gotten five hours of sleep—an achievement in his book.</p><p>Sandor pushed himself out of bed, changing into sweats, a black tank, and running shoes. He didn't give a rat's ass about his hair at this hour, letting it remain wild and tousled. After pulling on a sweater with the University's name and logo upon it, he brushed his teeth and wiped the sleep out of his eyes. He let out a yawn as he walked into his garage, getting into his silver ford tundra. He didn't want to be too flashy, and he had nothing to compensate for, so the simple pick-up truck had been an uncomplicated choice.</p><p>It was a quick 10-minute drive to get to the University. He parked and jogged the mile to the gym. He didn't even break a sweat as he approached the doors and made his way inside. He scanned his badge, the student working behind the front desk giving him a subtle nod. Sandor ignored him, heading straight to the weights. He needed to feel the strain of his muscles. He needed to forget about the nightmares, if even for an hour.</p><p>When he worked out, he went into a specific headspace that allowed him to be mindless. No thoughts. Just the sound of his racing pulse and bated breaths.</p><p>He put on his headphones, letting the sound of metal drown out everything around him. He placed weights on either side of the barbell. When it reached 400 pounds, he lay down on the bench and put his hands parallel on the bar. He raised the bar with a deep breath and began to do as many reps as his arms would allow. His muscles screamed at him, burning almost to the point of agony, but he refused to stop.</p><p>He completed his first set, hitting a rep of fifteen. <em>He would go for twenty next</em> he thought to himself. A flash of red immediately tore him out of said thoughts.</p><p>He had to be hallucinating her. <em>Why would she even be at the gym at four am on a school day? </em></p><p>Yet, there she was, wearing baby blue leggings with a white long-sleeved shirt. Her red hair pulled into a messy bun, not a stitch of make-up on her porcelain skin. Her cheeks were rosy, but he knew that had to be due to the cold. She stood tall, earbuds in as she strolled towards the dumbbells.</p><p>He felt silly as he quickly laid back down. He didn't hesitate in grasping the bar and began his second set of chest presses. He tried everything in his power to force her out of his mind, but he couldn't, not with her so nearby. He growled under his breath, setting the bar down fiercely. He sat up, shoving a hand through his hair, and knew he was in deep shit when it came to Sansa-fucking-Stark.</p><p>Sandor sensed someone staring at him and had a gut feeling he knew exactly whose gaze he would meet. He peered over to see her looking over her shoulder at him. The rosy tint on her cheeks eclipsed the entirety of her face, the red shade raced down her neck, disappearing beneath the collar of her shirt. He wondered if she blushed everywhere. He clenched his jaw, not allowing his mind to wander any further.</p><p>She gave him a small wave, a wary smile upon her face.</p><p>Sandor understood her trepidation. He had gone a little off his rocker last week when he gave her 'Firestarter' to read. Yet, the way she smiled at him had made him feel something he hadn't felt in years. The genuineness in her eyes and the dimples that formed in her cheeks were too much to handle. He didn't deserve such a radiant smile directed at him, not after what he had done.</p><p>He shouldn't have offered to loan her his collection of Stephen King books. Still, she had been the first student in a while that challenged him and stood up to him. He wanted to hear what she had to say. Sansa had an intelligent mind, and he thoroughly enjoyed her interpretation of books and movies. Her admiration of horror and thriller had piqued his interest in her. For him, it was rare to bond with others over books. With Sansa, it had come with ease. He had even gone so far as to consider giving the movie adaptations of his favorite books a chance.</p><p>Sandor noticed how she swallowed heavily, seeming to gather her nerve. Then she was walking towards him with a determined expression upon her face. He lowered his headphones slowly as she approached and stood in front of him.</p><p>"Early, isn't it, Professor Clegane?" A teasing lilt to her tone. With her so close, he could see freckles spreading across her cheeks, an aspect of her he hadn't noticed before.</p><p>He <em>shouldn't</em> notice anything about her. But she was too fucking pretty with that red hair, big blue eyes, and perfect lips that made him lose track of his thoughts.</p><p>"I guess you could say that," he rasped, folding his arms over his chest, not missing the way her eyes trailed the movement.</p><p>He would never fully wrap his head around the fact she constantly stared at him. He could feel her eyes on him more often than not in class. Of course, he was the main focus due to him being the professor, but her gaze differed from the other students. He had caught her on multiple occasions staring at his wedding ring. He wished he could read her mind and figure out what the hell she was thinking in that beautiful head of hers.</p><p>"I've never seen you here before. Do you normally come this early?"</p><p>He shrugged. "Only if I can't sleep. It's usually different hours of the night."</p><p>She tilted her head in the cutest way, making his blood surge. "You can't sleep?"</p><p>"Insomnia," he muttered, running a hand through his hair. A tic that brought him some form of comfort. Sansa made him uneasy for multiple reasons.</p><p>Her eyes softened. "I'm sorry, Professor Clegane."</p><p>"Sandor," he said bluntly, then cleared his voice, "We're not in the classroom."</p><p>It appeared again. That luminous smile of hers making him feel so tall, yet, so small at the same time. He didn't understand why his telling her to call him by his given name made her so damn happy. He almost hated how pleased she had become.</p><p>"So, when you can't sleep, you come to the gym?"</p><p>"If I exhaust my body, sometimes my mind will follow."</p><p>Her brow quirked high on her forehead. "Hm, I'm not sure that's wise, Sandor. You don't want to injure yourself."</p><p>He scoffed. "My body can handle it."</p><p>She clasped her hands behind her back, accentuating her chest as she did. Her eyes wandered gradually over him. "I'm sure it can, but it's still not the smartest path to walk."</p><p>He made his expression remain passive. He couldn't give her any ammo to think he had any attraction for her whatsoever. He refused to flirt back. He couldn't give her whatever she seemed to want. He didn't even get why she would like an old, scarred, broody bastard such as himself anyway. He was positive Sansa Stark had a fair amount of people plying for her affection.</p><p>"I think I'm old enough to take care of myself."</p><p>She bent slightly at the waist, lowering towards him. "I'm sure you are, Sandor."</p><p>"How are you liking 'Firestarter'?" He asked, diverting the conversation as best as he could. She was straying into dangerous territory, and there were too many eyes around to witness them.</p><p>She pursed her lips, standing straight once more. "It's crazy. There's so much going on with the abilities they possess and the Shop agents. The story is imaginative. I'm almost finished and curious about how it's going to end."</p><p>"I think you'll enjoy the ending," he said, letting a small smile form. "I have another book in my office. Do you have any classes today?"</p><p>She nodded. "I'll be in my office the majority of the day if you want to stop by and pick it up."</p><p>"I'll finish 'Firestarter' by the time I stop by then!"</p><p>"No rush or anything," he murmured, rubbing the nape of his neck.</p><p>"Well, I should let you get back to 'exhausting your body,'" she said, making air quotations.</p><p>He chuckled lowly. "I'll see you later, Sansa."</p><p>She shyly pushed a strand of hair behind her ear, tugging her bottom lip between her teeth. "See you then."</p><p>She gave a small wave and returned to the free weight area. He refused to stare anywhere below her waist and laid back down to finish his session. He could only hope sleep is what it would bring in the end.</p><p>⁂</p><p>Sansa's heart would not stop pounding as she approached Sandor's office door. She had run straight here after her only class of the day. She held 'Firestarter' close to her chest, trying to catch her breath.</p><p>Sansa could hardly believe she saw him this morning. Her regular gym schedule tended to be early only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. The other days she went to the gym later in the night. She hated waking up so early, but Daisy's opened at 4, and it was on the way to the gym anyway. So, she would force herself out of bed at 3:50 am, hastily put on her exercise outfit, and be out the door to get herself a large coffee.</p><p>She had never seen Sandor before today. So, she knew it was his gym schedule all out of whack, not her own. She had tried not to stare at him. It proved to be impossible not only because his attire left little to the imagination but also because his expression seemed intense. It appeared as if something troubled him deeply, and he was doing everything in his power to escape its clutches. He lifted the bar packed with weights so effortlessly. She wondered if she would feel as light as a feather in his arms.</p><p>She couldn't stop drinking in his biceps thick with muscle or the straps of his tank that looked ready to burst due to his burly traps. The thin layer of his tank stretched deliciously over his broad chest and tapered out at his waist. His sweats weren't tight to his body or anything, but they couldn't hide that part of him. The bulge she noticed had made her break out into a full sweat and flush red from head to toe. She only became more flushed when he caught her staring at him. She knew she had to look like a cherry tomato. Yet, his expression had remained passive per usual.</p><p>Sansa hadn't expected him to react to her. Still, she had tried to make him look at her somewhat differently, or perhaps she was desperate to see that salacious look in his eyes once more. The one that had made her weak in the knees. Yet, Sandor only gave her a small smile and moved their conversation back from the edge.</p><p>She couldn't even be upset that he remained so loyal to his wife.</p><p>The ring on his finger blared like a constant warning sign. It taunted her, spoke in her ear, telling her to back off. On days where she felt like torturing herself, she'd create an image inside her head of Sandor's wife. Some nights the woman would be tall, only a few inches shorter than Sandor, with big green eyes and cropped blonde hair. She'd be tough and able to take on the world. Other nights, Sansa imagined a small, petite woman with a soft smile and doe brown eyes. She'd barely reach Sandor's chest, and she'd seem quiet in front of people she didn't know but comfortable enough to be herself with Sandor. Sansa didn't quite understand why she conjured up such images.</p><p>She never thought herself to be a home wrecker , but sometimes her actions made her feel otherwise. She <em>did</em> flirt with Sandor. She <em>did</em> wear specific clothing in an attempt to get his attention. She was acting like someone she wasn't. She knew she was trying too hard. Sandor just had this aura about him that drew Sansa in and made her want to do bad things…things she would have never dared to do before.</p><p> His ring entered her mind once more. She let out a sigh, closing her eyes so she could get a rein on her feelings. She would hand him his book back and accept the other willingly and be on her merry way. She could stop being such a flirt and remember that he had a wife, for heaven's sake.</p><p>Opening her eyes, she lifted her hand and gave a slight knock to alert him of her presence. A muffled 'come in' responded, and Sansa refused to hesitate as she entered, prepared to hand him his book back.</p><p>"I'll be with you in just a moment. Please, make yourself comfortable," he grumbled, waving distractedly at the chair in front of his desk. He kept his gaze fixed on his screen; those glasses she couldn't get over perched proudly on his hooked nose. His sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. Two of the buttons on his shirt open, allowing her to see the hint of unruly black hair on his chest. She swallowed harshly, remembering just how much he had when she witnessed him in that revealing tanktop. She had never been much of a fan of chest hair, but she could make an exception for Sandor. It suited him. It made him that more appealing in her eyes.</p><p>Sansa couldn't handle looking at him any further, her nerves creating butterflies in her stomach. She turned to her left, her heart leaping wildly in her chest as she saw a bookcase filled with framed pictures. Her mind immediately knew those pictures contained his wife.</p><p>She walked towards the bookcase almost in a daze, her feet moving of their own accord. She stopped before it; her gaze drawn towards a frame at eye level with her. The picture of two girls smiling from ear to ear, their arms wrapped around each other shoulders. They both had black hair; one had green eyes, the other silver. They were twins, with the same doe-like features, same height, same jeans, and green t-shirt on, the only difference being their eye color. Sansa knew those silver eyes were handed down from Sandor.</p><p>Sansa felt a lump form in her throat. Sandor had kids. The possibility of him having kids had never crossed her mind. She felt the sting of tears behind her eyes, feeling even more like an idiot for entertaining thoughts of being with him.</p><p>She dragged her watery gaze away to the shelf above. A picture of Sandor with what had to be his wife stared back at her. Sandor stood behind her, both arms wrapped around her, his hands hanging lazily in front of her chest. She reached Sandor's chin, her smile wide and electric. She had bright green eyes and short brown hair that barely reached her chin. Her brown skin glowed under the rays of the sun and the blue summer dress she wore flowed to her shoeless feet. Sansa had never seen a woman more beautiful. She radiated kindness. Sansa could tell just by looking at her.</p><p>Sandor seemed so young, no scars upon his tanned skin. A strange sight to see after becoming so accustomed to the scars. He merely smirked, his grey eyes showing his love for the woman he held close to him. Sansa took in his robust features, thinking him handsome with or without the markings upon his face. Her gut coiled, knowing she had lost the battle. She had to leave Sandor alone.</p><p>He had a family. She would never be a part of it.</p><p>She turned back to face his desk, making a small noise at the back of her throat. He stared at her unwaveringly. A severe look emanated from his gaze, and she smiled nervously, not sure what to do with all the tension that had formed in the small room. She noticed that his jaw had set tensely. The tic under his right eye appeared. He cleared his throat and grasped the book he had retrieved while she rudely invaded his privacy.</p><p>Sandor stood to his imposing height. It felt as if all the oxygen had been vacuumed out of the room. She couldn't seem to catch her breath, realizing her skin throbbed, and her chest rose and fell quite hard. A spark ran up her middle as he moved around the desk and minimized the space between them.</p><p>"Carrie," he said huskily, extending the book towards her.</p><p>Her skin practically sizzled now. She snatched it out of his hands, her face flaring hot at the drastic action. She had to get the hell out of dodge. She had to go home and drop his class. She couldn't handle this insane feeling. It made no sense, and it frightened her.</p><p>She released a shaky breath, remembering herself, and moved to hand him 'Firestarter.'</p><p>She had stepped closer to him, hardly even realizing her body was moving forward. She pressed the book against his chest, unsure what the hell she was doing. She could hear Margaery inside her head telling her <strong><em>If you go putting your nose where it doesn't belong, you might find it's not so pretty on the other side</em></strong>. She needed to stop, but she could feel the sturdy muscle beneath her fingertips, feel the heat radiating off of him. Of course, he would be warm. She wanted to bury her nose in his chest and absorb that warmth.</p><p>Instead, this close, she opened her mouth and let the words roll off her tongue. "Your family is so beautiful. You're a lucky man, Professor Clegane."</p><p>He went rigid before his breaths came out heavy and uneven. She pulled away, holding both books in her hands, and saw misery swimming in his irises. She froze, parting her lips, and snapped them shut when she saw the pain become replaced with a storm.</p><p>"Get out, Sansa." His tone was cold and unyielding. He gave her a look that implied not to fight him on the matter.</p><p>She became enveloped by a wave of emotion that made her feel like she swallowed a bunch of rocks. The tears burned behind her eyes. She opened her mouth, whether to tell him off or say goodbye, and closed it once more, feeling drained. She moved around him, ignoring the severe look in his eyes, and placed both books on his desk. She had to drop his class. She couldn't have anything of his hovering over her.</p><p>Sansa breezed past Sandor, her hand reaching for the doorknob. "Wait," he said tersely. </p><p>She refused to look back. "I behaved unprofessionally. I apologize for that. Please, take the book. I want to hear your thoughts about it."</p><p>Her chest swelled with sadness. She drove it down and let her eyes close. She was so easy for him. His voice called her back, and she practically leaped for joy inside.</p><p>"Okay." She gathered her courage and walked back to where he had the book in his large hand once again. Her hand gripped the binding when he spoke.</p><p>"Did you watch the movie?"</p><p>She peered up at him beneath her lashes. She figured he meant for 'Firestarter.' "I was planning to over the weekend. I don't have time during the week."</p><p>"Let me know if it is any good. I might give it a chance," he grunted, folding his arms over his chest.</p><p>She clutched 'Carrie' to her chest. She wanted to scream at him, demand him to help her make sense of his hot/cold attitude. She had only complimented his family. She had seen no harm in doing so, and yet, the way he reacted suggested otherwise. She forced a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes. She nodded. "Sure thing, Professor. Have a good day."</p><p>His expression became disimpassioned, and he only nodded, saying nothing more as she walked out of his office.</p><p>☼</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>XOXO</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Don't Swallow The Cap</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey everyone, I'm posting this chapter pretty early because I'm going to finish off 'In my head, In my heart' and hopefully post by next week :)<br/>All I Ever Wanted is in progress too!</p><p>Let me just say, all of your guys' theories were awesome to read! Hopefully, you all enjoy where this lil mystery goes ;)</p><p>TW<br/>Tons of cussing towards the end of the chapter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              </p><p>
  <strong> <em>I have only two emotions<br/>Careful fear and dead devotion<br/>I can't get the balance right<br/>Throw my marbles in the fight<br/>I see all the ones I wept for<br/>All the things I had it in for<br/>I won't cry until I hear<br/>'Cause I was not supposed to be here</em> </strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The grass beneath Sandor's feet was wet; the temperature below freezing. Still, he trudged towards where she stood at the edge of a cliff, facing an endless body of water. All dressed in white; she reminded him of an angel. She always looked like an angel in his eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She peered over her shoulder, a sad smile upon her face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm not yours," she mouthed. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sandor somehow heard the words loud and clear in his mind, stalling him in his tracks. "Kaia, please," he whispered, his heart threatening to burst out of his chest. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She turned away from him, and before he could stop her, she dove off the cliff.</em>
</p><p>Sandor's eyes snapped open, seeing the small streak of light from the moon upon his ceiling. He panted unevenly, sweat coating his skin.</p><p><em>Fuck</em>.</p><p><em>Fuck</em>.</p><p>He pounded his fist against the bed, cursing to high hell. The nightmares had gotten to the point he almost couldn't take it anymore.</p><p>He tried sleeping pills, and they only made him feel like shit.</p><p>He tried melatonin, which was even worse than the damn sleeping pills.</p><p>Sandor wasn't going to talk to a bloody shrink either. He would fight the nightmares for the rest of his life if it meant not having to see a therapist.</p><p>Still, he didn't know how to escape the night terrors. He had tried to make peace with what he did, but it was easier said than done. He didn't know how to forgive himself. He probably never would.</p><p>If he wasn't being haunted during the night, then he was being haunted during the day by one Sansa Stark.</p><p>The sight of her torturous in its own fucked up way.</p><p>He had probably scared her off for good after the way he behaved. It was perhaps for the best anyway. She'd be better off staying the hell away from him.</p><p>He glanced at his clock. It was barely 11:30 pm and a Saturday night. He knew where he was going to wind up tonight.</p><p>⁂</p><p>"You're in deep, kid," Oberyn said, juicing a lemon into his already fruity drink.</p><p>Sansa gazed over at him, mindlessly peeling at the label of her beer bottle. "What are you talking about?</p><p>"When I invited you out tonight, I didn't know it'd consist of you staring at your beer as if it offended you, but I'm guessing it has to do with a certain broody professor."</p><p>Sansa hadn't initially wanted to hang out with anyone tonight. She desired to cozy up with a cup of hot chocolate and watch 'Firestarter,' but when she saw Oberyn at Daisy's, he feigned offense at her not asking him out yet.</p><p>So, when he made the first move to do so, she readily agreed. However, she couldn't lie and say she wasn't hung up on the last encounter she had with Sandor. The rest of the week went by in a  blur. She hadn't wasted any time hightailing it out of his class on both Tuesday and Thursday. She couldn't handle talking to him yet, not after she practically threw herself at him like a fool and complimented his family. She still didn't understand why he had gotten so bent out of shape when he did. If he didn't want people to praise them, why the hell did he put pictures of them up?</p><p>She shook herself out of her reverie and gave Oberyn a small smile. "It has nothing to do with Professor Clegane. I'm just under a bit of stress at the moment."</p><p>Oberyn's brow raised, and he gave her a look that suggested she was full of shit. "Well, maybe he can help relieve you of some of that stress."</p><p>Sansa gaped at him, mouth open, and she swatted playfully at his bicep. "Oberyn, we hardly know each other for you to be spouting stuff like that."</p><p>Oberyn let out a laugh. "Okay, <em>prude</em>," he rolled the word and stuck his tongue out at her.</p><p>Sansa rolled her eyes at him and took a deep drink of her bitter beer. She wasn't the biggest fan of super sweet drinks. She typically enjoyed craft beer or shitty beer; there wasn't a middle ground in that regard.</p><p>"What do you like about him?" Oberyn took a sip of his mixed drink, seemingly ignoring her statement about Sandor.</p><p>She continued to peel her beer label and pondered the question.</p><p>There were many aspects of Sandor that drew her to him. His height and muscular body were nice perks, but not what initially had made her curious about him. Once he talked, she found him to be quite personable, and she thoroughly enjoyed talking about books with him. He had an aura around him that screamed to leave him alone, and yet, when Sansa spoke to him, she felt that wasn't true at all. He wanted to be talked to like a normal human being, not like the villain everyone had created him out to be. She sensed he was lonely, and she couldn't figure out why. He had a wife and beautiful children to go home to every day. <em>Were they not enough?</em> Sansa chased that thought away. It wasn't her place to assume anything about his life.</p><p>"I don't know," the lie rolled off her tongue with ease. She finished off her drink, signaling to the bartender for another. The man running the bar brought her a fresh 'Samuel Adams' and disposed of her other with a quick smile directed her way before he raced off to the next customer.</p><p>Oberyn scoffed. "It's like pulling pins and needles out of a damn haystack when it comes to getting a proper answer from you, Sansa."</p><p>"How about we talk about you instead," Sansa said, giving him a pat on the back. A mischievous sparkle in her eyes.</p><p>Oberyn wagged his finger in her face. "No, no, darling, don't you dare think you're getting off the hook that easily. We'll get back to you." He grinned from ear to ear, placing his elbow on the bar, and leaned his chin on his palm. "So, what do you want to know about me?"</p><p>"Anything you'd like to tell me."</p><p>"Hm, I was raised in a tiny town called Dorne where the weather was always hotter than hell or so cold that I thought I'd freeze my balls off. I have a close relationship with my sister, and I'm sort of estranged from my brother. I love my mother with all my heart. Sadly, my dad died a long time ago when I was just a boy. Other than that, I am bi-sexual and love to have a good time," he winked, "My major is in marine biology, and hopefully, one day I'll get to travel the world. Now, back to you, Sansa, tell me about yourself."</p><p>Sansa gave him a run-down of her family, Robb's passing, her interests, her dreams, and by the time she finished, thirty minutes had passed. Oberyn was a great listener, and she could tell he genuinely had an interest in what she had to say. After he ordered them another round of drinks, she could slowly feel that warm buzz washing over her. She felt content after sharing so much of herself with someone beside Margaery. She trusted Oberyn even though they hardly had met. He possessed a certain aura that made him inviting and personable.</p><p>"Well, fuck me ten ways to Sunday," Oberyn blurted. Sansa almost spat her beer out, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.</p><p>"What?" She hissed, unsure why he had said such a thing and why his eyes were wider than saucers.</p><p>"Do not look to your right," he whispered, keeping his eyes straight forward.</p><p>"What is going on with you?" She couldn't help herself; she looked over and immediately regretted her decision. She snapped her attention forward, feeling sweat starting to bead at her temples.</p><p>"I warned you."</p><p>"You could have been more specific," she ridiculed.</p><p>"I thought I was hallucinating for a second until he sat down."</p><p>"Did he notice us?"</p><p>"Don't think so. Just keep looking forward. Act normal."</p><p>"He's five seats away, Oberyn. You think he's not going to notice us??"</p><p>"Well, why are you so worried? Did something happen?" Oberyn teased.</p><p>Sansa jabbed him in the side with her finger, and he yelped. The sound caught most people sitting at the bar's attention, and Sansa made eye contact with the one man she had desperately been trying to avoid.</p><p>His grey gaze observed her unwaveringly. Sansa didn't miss the dark circles under his eyes or the way his hand clenched around his beer.</p><p>She awkwardly lifted her arm and waved at him. He gave a subtle nod of his head and returned his gaze forward. He took a hearty drink of his beer, and she couldn't help but watch the way his throat moved with every swallow.</p><p>She felt a sharp pain at her side, realizing Oberyn had poked her right back. She gave him an impetuous look.</p><p>"Stop being so obvious," he chided playfully.</p><p>"I'm not being obvious."</p><p>"Whatever you say, honey," Oberyn hummed, checking his watch. He sighed. "I have to get out of here, but you should go hang with Mr. Broody."</p><p>Sansa felt her eyes practically bug out of her skull. "Don't be obnoxious."</p><p>Oberyn eyed her full beer. "Hm, looks like you're not going anywhere." He didn't hesitate to lean over and press a swift kiss to her cheek. She had no time to say anything before he jumped out of his seat, wiggled his fingers at her, winked, and bolted out of the bar. She had a gut feeling he had left her on purpose.</p><p>Sansa groaned under her breath. She gathered all of her courage and returned her attention to Sandor. She noted that no one sat on either side of him. She didn't know what force made her get out of her seat and sit next to him, except perhaps maybe because she was a little intoxicated and delirious.</p><p>"Um, I hope you don't mind me sitting here," she stuttered.</p><p>"It's a free country, Sansa. Sit where you like," he rasped. His voice was rougher and huskier than usual. She wondered if it was due to lack of sleep.</p><p>"Couldn't sleep?" She asked without really thinking.</p><p>"I guess you could say that." He finished off his beer, and the bartender didn't hesitate to bring him another. Sandor muttered thanks and wrapped his hand around the bottle with ease. She swallowed due to how thick and long his fingers were; little white scars marred his knuckles. She wondered how he had received them but figured she should refrain from asking. </p><p>"Uh, Carrie is excellent so far."</p><p>"It's one of my favorites," he said softly.</p><p>Sansa had never heard him speak so gently or so fondly before, and she wondered if the book had any meaning to him.</p><p>"Is it? May I ask why?"</p><p>He tensed slightly but then sighed, and she watched as his body relaxed. "My niece, Jess, loved it. She made me read it to her over and over again, even though it gave her bloody nightmares. She loved horror even though it terrified her. I think she liked the thrill, but her mom would clobber me over the head each time and tell me to stop reading it to her. I couldn't deny her puppy dog eyes, though. She knew how to get me." Sandor let out a laugh and shook his head. "Can't believe I fucking told you that."</p><p>"I like talking to you, Sandor. I want to know more about you," Sansa admitted shyly. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear nervously, happy that he had shared such personal information with her.</p><p>"Is that right?" He barked with a disbelieving laugh. He brought his beer to his lips, his gaze returning to hers.</p><p>"Yes. You're a great professor."</p><p>"Oh, I'm a great professor, eh. Good to know," he scoffed. She saw that familiar tic under his eye and the way he gritted his teeth. She didn't want to make him upset, but she also wanted to be honest with him.</p><p>"I also think you're a pretty great guy on top of a great professor."</p><p>"You hardly fucking know me, Sansa."</p><p>She straightened in her seat. "So? As I said, I want to know more about you."</p><p>Sandor turned in his seat, glowering down at her. "What the hell do you want from me?"</p><p>She shrank away from his outburst. She wasn't entirely sure how to answer his question. She wanted him in more ways than she could count, but friendship would be fine with her too.</p><p>"To be your friend?" She said it more like a question versus an answer.</p><p>"My friend?" He bit out.</p><p>"Uh, yes?"</p><p>"I'm your professor. You understand that, right?"</p><p>She pursed her mouth. "I'm not stupid, Sandor."</p><p>"No, not stupid, but you lack the fucking understanding that you are treading on dangerous ground, and whatever you want from me, I can't give to you."</p><p>"Because you're married?"</p><p>He stood up, so suddenly, she hardly had time to process the movement. "You're a nosy little bird, aren't you?"</p><p>She peered up at him beneath her lashes. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."</p><p>"No, you shouldn't have. You need to learn boundaries."</p><p>Sansa was sick of being scolded like a child. She grabbed a couple of bills out of her purse and placed them on the counter.</p><p>"I hear you loud and clear, Sandor. Goodnight," she mumbled and pushed past him, refusing to cry in front of him. She would never allow him to see how much his words got to her. She would be strong.</p><p>She welcomed the cold of the night, beginning her trek home with the warmth of the liquor racing through her veins.</p><p>She had barely made it fifty steps from the bar when she heard her name being called. She stiffened at who accompanied the voice. She slowed her pace, peering over her shoulder to see Sandor. He caught up to her quickly. He towered over her, wearing nothing but a black Henley and jeans. She would be freezing in such attire. It didn't seem to faze him, though.</p><p>"Were you honestly planning on walking home alone at night while intoxicated?"</p><p>Her lips pressed into a slight frown. She didn't need to be ridiculed by him even further. "I walk home alone at night all the time."</p><p>His brows lowered menacingly, jaw clenching to the point she thought he'd break a tooth. "Do you understand how incredibly stupid that is?"</p><p>She wrinkled her nose. "I don't need you to tell me what's stupid and what's not. I know these streets, and I have pepper spray and a taser. I'll be fine."</p><p>"You don't even carry it in your hand. When someone is grabbing you and pushing you down, what are you going to do? Scramble inside your closed purse for your shitty defense weapons?"</p><p>Sansa clenched her fists, gritting her teeth. A wave of anger unlike anything she had felt erupted to life within her. "How about you go fuck yourself, Sandor? Hm? Do you think you can do that for me?"</p><p>He looked like an angry god towering over her. The veins in his neck protruded slightly, and she could see his rapid pulse. His pupils dilated, erasing the grey in his eyes, filling them with dark intent.</p><p>"You want me to go fuck myself because I care that something bad could happen to you?"</p><p>Sansa let out a shrill laugh. "Care? We hardly fucking know each other, remember?" She threw her hands up in the air instead of punching him in the chest as she had wanted. She would likely end up breaking her hand if she went through with that endeavor.</p><p>"Who gives a fuck if I don't know you. If I just let you walk home intoxicated and something happened to you, I'd never forgive myself knowing I could have prevented such a thing. You're my student and a pain in the ass of one, if I may say so. You seem to wind up everywhere I go. I'm starting to think you're stalking me, Sansa Stark."</p><p>"You're fucking delusional if you think I'm stalking you."</p><p>"You've got quite the mouth on you. Is that what your boyfriends like? Your filthy little tongue," he spat.</p><p>Sansa stared up at him, appalled by what he had just said. He seemed to realize his mistake instantaneously, having the decency to look somewhat ashamed.</p><p>"That wasn't appropriate of me to say. I apologize," he grunted, shoving his hand through his hair.</p><p>"I don't need your useless apology. I have to go," she snapped. Twirling away from him on unsteady legs. She didn't care. She needed to distance herself from him before she did something she'd regret.</p><p>"Let me give you a ride home," he growled, catching up to her once again. She ignored him, trying to speed up, knowing it to be pointless. His legs were too damn long.</p><p>"Fucking damn it, Sansa. Please, just let me do that for you."</p><p>"I live a block away. I don't need a ride from you," she huffed.</p><p>"Let me walk you home then."</p><p>She glared up at him. "I don't think that's appropriate."</p><p>"Why? What do you think I'm going to do? Try to come in for a nightcap?"</p><p>She looked down and away, blushing due to what he had implied. If he only knew how badly she wanted him to come inside for an entirely different reason.</p><p>"Go away, Sandor."</p><p>"Why are you so bloody stubborn?"</p><p>"Why can't you take a hint?" She hissed back.</p><p>"Okay. I'll go fuck myself, just for you, princess," he snarled.</p><p>She didn't think it possible to flush even harder, but she could feel her body igniting with heat and the wetness that accompanied the thought of him touching himself.</p><p>He stopped walking next to her, but she could feel his eyes fixed on her retreating form. She told herself to keep going, not to look back. She couldn't help herself, though. She glanced over her shoulder to see his expression had turned blank. She sighed, turning to face him, both standing a good seven feet apart, both unwavering in the way they stared at the other as if they were in a cowboy stand-off. </p><p>"If you insist on walking me home, I'll allow it, but don't think it means a damn thing."</p><p>"What else would it mean?" He walked up to her, forcing her to crane her neck to gaze up at him.</p><p>She fidgeted under his penetrating stare. "Nothing. I just don't want you to think you've won this fight."</p><p>"Is that what we're doing, fighting?"</p><p>"Are you going senile, old man? Did you forget the things we just yelled at each other?"</p><p>"I'm not that old," he rasped.</p><p>"Sure, you just keep telling yourself that."</p><p>She began heading back towards her apartment, Sandor at her side. They remained silent up until they were at the front doors of her apartment complex.</p><p>"This is me," she muttered. "Thanks for walking me home."</p><p>"I meant what I said Sansa. You're an intelligent woman. I think you know better than to walk around intoxicated."</p><p>"Whatever. I don't need the advice of my professor, but thanks anyway."</p><p>The muscle under his good eye twitched subtly. "Yes, I guess you're right."</p><p>"Have a good night, Sandor. Be careful. It's not safe to walk around here intoxicated at night." She should have stopped the slight, but too late now.</p><p>She turned to walk through the doors until he said something that made her stop in her tracks.</p><p>"I'm not married."</p><p>Her breathing turned shallow, her brain trying to compute what he had just said. She peered over her shoulder at him.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>He shoved his hands into his pockets. "I'm not married."</p><p>"Why do you wear it then?"</p><p>He let out a long breath, a cloud of air forming due to the cold. "Maybe, one day, when I'm ready, I'll tell you, but I need you to understand, Sansa, I am your professor. I can be your friend if that's what you want, but that's all I can offer."</p><p>Sansa was beyond confused, but she wouldn't reject being his friend.</p><p>"Okay," she whispered.</p><p>He nodded. "Okay, and I'm sorry for all that shit I said. You're right, I shouldn't tell you what to do or what is right. I guess I just was worried about you."</p><p>"I’m sorry too.”</p><p>The ghost of a smile appeared on his face, making him seem so young.</p><p>“Goodnight, Sansa."</p><p>"Goodnight, Sandor."</p><p>She waved and walked through the apartment complex double doors.</p><p>When Sansa laid in her bed, she couldn't help thinking about all the reasons why he wore a wedding ring if he weren't married. In time, she hoped he would tell her, but she was glad to be his friend. He had drawn a line in the sand, and he expected her not to cross it. Even though she wanted to, she'd respect his wishes. Sandor was her friend. That could be enough.</p><p>In her dream state, she wondered briefly why Sandor had talked about his niece in the past tense.</p><p>☼</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>XOXO</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Pink Rabbits</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey all!</p><p>I apologize for such a short chapter and the fact my other stories haven't updated. I have Covid and though I mostly feel like I have a cold, I have been extremely tired due to it. So, I did my best to produce this content because it was in my brain and wouldn't leave even though it's less than 3,000 words. I love all of your comments and hopefully, I'll be able to respond soon! </p><p>Much love &lt;3</p><p>TRIGGER WARNING: VIOLENT MEMORY TOWARDS THE END</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   </p><p>
  <strong> <em>It wasn't like a rain, it was more like a sea</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>I didn't ask for this pain, it just came over me</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>I love a storm, but I don't love lightning</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>All the waters coming up so fast, it's frightening</em> </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Sansa sipped her hot cocoa, staring out the window of Daisy's, wondering how her life had gotten so twisted around. She had always been considered a good girl. She wasn't rambunctious and headstrong like Arya or wild and ambitious like Rickon. She didn't get tattoos and act out as Jon had, nor did she behave recklessly like Bran. She had always been gentle, kind, kept in her lane, and was proud of her excellent manners. Her mom used to tell her that she could do no wrong, and Sansa had earnestly believed it at the time.</p><p>Yet, the way she had behaved as of late made her think she was just as crazy as her siblings. If Robb were still around, she wondered what choice words he would have for her if he found out she was lusting after her scarred professor.</p><p>At the thought of Robb, she realized the second anniversary of his passing was approaching, and she didn't know how she had managed to survive so long without him. She and Robb were best friends due to being so close in age. He had been the one to wipe away her tears, keep her grounded, give her advice, and without him, she felt so lost. She wished he could tell her what to do, but that would never happen again.</p><p>A wave of pain ate at her heart, and the burn of tears formed behind her eyes.</p><p>A tear slipped down her cheek right as a voice interrupted her thoughts. She snapped her head up to see Sandor and shrank in her seat slightly, knowing she must look a fright with rosy cheeks and watery eyes.</p><p>She forced a smile and could tell it missed its mark. His gaze wandered over her face, making her want to run for the hills. He took a seat opposite of her, not bothering to ask her if he could. She quickly swiped at the tears, letting out an awkward laugh.</p><p>"Something got in my eye," she muttered.</p><p>His brow raised as he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. His grey Henley brought out the color in his eyes. He had some of the most beautiful eyes she had seen. If she had the guts, she would compliment him, but she also didn't want him to misconstrue the words either. He had made it clear that they would be nothing more. Still, it's not like she flat out said she wanted to be more than just friends. He assumed right, <em>that's it</em>.</p><p>"Sansa, you don't have to tell me anything you aren't comfortable sharing," he said, shaking her from her reverie.</p><p>"Ah, yes, because we're friends," she teased, but her voice lacked its usual warmth. "Don't have much of those." She muttered under her breath.</p><p>He turned his face away to stare outside. It allowed her to drink in his strong jawline and analyze every morsel of his being. She plucked at the cuff of her sweater, truly wishing he weren't so handsome.</p><p>"I would think a girl like you would have plenty of friends."</p><p>She scowled at him even though he still wasn't paying any attention to her. "I'm a woman, thank you very much."</p><p>That seemed to pull him out of his trance. His grey gaze returned to hers, briefly giving her beige sweater paired with a pink scarf a once over. Heat spanned the length of her body under his scrutiny.</p><p> "Clearly," he rasped.</p><p>"And I do have friends just not in abundance," she remarked, rolling her eyes at him.</p><p>"Is the guy that works here a friend of yours?" He asked.</p><p>She placed her elbow on the table and rested her chin on her palm. "Hm, is that jealously I detect in your tone?"</p><p>"Hardly," he deadpanned. "More like curiosity. He seemed pretty friendly with you at the bar."</p><p>"Oberyn is just a friend, a new one at that," she stated, letting a genuine smile creep onto her face, “Seems like I'm making new friends left and right recently."</p><p>"I guess the little bird is spreading her wings, eh?" He said with a grin.</p><p>"Why do you call me that?" She asked, ignoring his question. She figured it to be rhetorical anyway.</p><p>"Call you what?"</p><p>"<em>Little bird</em>. You first called me that at the bar."</p><p>He shrugged. "I guess because you remind me of a little bird, won't leave me alone, just keep chirping at me happily even though I don't deserve your kindness."</p><p>A frown formed between her brows. She disliked him talking about himself in that way. She wished he could see himself the way she did, then maybe, just maybe, he would understand she thought the world of him.</p><p>"You deserve the best, Sandor, and nothing less than that," she insisted, showing just how much she meant every single word with her honest expression.</p><p>Her cheeks were on fire, and bees swarmed in her stomach due to being so forward, but she didn't regret her rash actions. Even with the heavy silence that formed between them, Sansa would do it again given the chance.</p><p>She waited with bated breath for him to say something, anything.</p><p>Sandor said nothing. She felt herself start to sweat under his penetrating stare. She was sure he could read her thoughts; see how much she was willing to give him something she never thought she'd give to anyone.</p><p>"Is this what friends do? Lie to each other?"</p><p>A scowl formed between her brows annoyed that he would even think she would lie to him. "What reason do I have to lie to you?" She demanded, incensed by his passive expression.</p><p>He gave a bitter laugh, a deep-rooted pain shone brightly in his eyes. "I deserve to rot in a shallow hole for the rest of my days. I deserve nothing less than that." </p><p>Instinctively Sansa reached forward, feeling the edge of the table digging into her stomach as she placed her palm upon his warm forearm. She felt him go rigid, his eyes darkening, searching hers for the meaning of her touch.</p><p>"I have no idea what troubles you, Sandor. Whatever it may be, I know it must cut you quite deeply for you to think you don't deserve to be happy. However, I think you are a great guy, and in time I hope you see your greatness and realize you deserve all the good things this life has to offer. You may be a difficult man and far from cordial, but I see beyond that. I see you have a big heart that you cover up with your pride and stubbornness."</p><p>His breaths had quickened, chest rising and falling harder. Suddenly, he stood, wrenching out of her grasp. He gazed down at her with a bewildered look that bordered on frightened. He had stood so abruptly the metal chair had crashed to the ground, causing the minimal patrons to gaze over curiously.</p><p>"Sandor," she whispered, reaching for him. He stepped back, shaking his head, and was gone before she could say another word.</p><p>She colored under the adamant stares of the people trying to enjoy their tea and coffee. She forced a wobbly smile on her face and stood, tucking a stray hair behind her ear. Her gaze lifted to see Oberyn staring at her with concern etched on his features. She waved her hand in a silent sign that everything was fine. She could tell he didn't believe her, but he smiled, and she left before she erupted into a volcano of tears.</p><p>⁂</p><p>Sandor slammed the front door behind him so hard it rattled the windows of his small, one-story house. He stormed to his fridge, tearing it open, and yanked out a beer, downing it in one go that, once finished, he sucked in a desperately needed breath of air. He didn't care that it was barely 11 am; he needed to forget.</p><p>Stranger whined as he walked into the kitchen, wagging his tail timidly. Sandor stared down at him. He felt a tinge of regret for barging into the house like a psychopath on a mission. Sandor kneeled, and Stranger nudged his face against Sandor's chin. Stranger was a blue-nosed pit bull that Sandor had rescued a few years ago.</p><p>"I'm sorry, boy. I'm just stressed the fuck out. Everything's okay," Sandor soothed, knowing Stranger wasn't fond of loud noises. Stranger licked Sandor's cheek, seeming to accept his apology.</p><p>Sandor stood, grabbing another beer out of the fridge heading into his room. The house filled with silence, a sound he had had to get used to for the past four years.</p><p>He sat at the edge of his bed, running a hand over his face, and let out a sigh. He chugged his beer, letting the empty bottle fall on the ground as he laid back, staring at the ceiling. When he closed his eyes, all he could see was red hair and blue eyes staring at him as if he mattered, as if he hadn't gone through hell and back, losing most of his soul along the way.</p><p>Sansa Stark had infiltrated his every thought for the past couple of months. The first time he saw her at Daisy's, he thought he would never see her radiance ever again. But then there she was, standing in his classroom, staring at him with those big eyes and a shocked look upon her face. He didn't understand why she was there in his class until she told him her reasoning, and that's when he knew he was truly fucked. He knew he was more fucked when she started making conversation with him, and they had something in common when it came to books.</p><p>She behaved as if she hadn't heard the rumors that revolved around him. She made him feel normal and not like the unapproachable asshole that students and faculty alike had created in their minds. His blunt nature tended to come off rude to most. He tried to be less intimidating, but at 6'6 and weighing a good 250 pounds, it wasn't exactly an easy task to accomplish. Yet, Sansa Stark, a pretty little thing barely reaching his chest, had the guts to talk back to him and stand her ground. She didn't let his stature make her feel small. He could see it in her eyes; the flames that burned beneath the surface-flames that threatened to burn him at every turn.</p><p>He would be a liar if he said he wanted nothing to do with her. The truth is he wanted everything to do with her. He wanted her fire to ignite his cold, dead heart and fill it with life once more. He could admit he had never been the type to be in touch with his feelings even before his life changed drastically, still before he understood what it felt like to devote your life to others and what it meant to love and be loved in return. After, all he could see was darkness, pain, and what pure hatred could do to a person. He hadn't seen light in his life for so long until Sansa showed up. He saw color again when he laid his eyes on her vibrant red hair and ocean blue eyes.</p><p> He wanted nothing more than to bask in her forbidden light forever, knowing full well he couldn't.</p><p>Unbidden, his eyes closed, spiraling him into a recurring nightmare.</p><p>
  <em>A flashing light. Tumbling, faint screaming, and then silence. When he came to, his face was in agony, but he didn't care. He managed to crawl out of the car, glass stung his palms, and still, he crawled to where her body lay. His heart raced as he made it to her, seeing tears in her green eyes. A choked sob escaped him as she smiled up at him, blood coating her teeth. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, no, no," he repeated over and over again. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Everything will be okay," she managed to say even though he could tell it pained her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>His hands were shaking uncontrollably as he cupped her face. He brought his forehead to hers and let out another sob. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"G-girls." </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He lifted, seeing the light fading from her eyes. She was gone no more than a second later.</em>
</p><p>Sandor woke up yelling; sweat coated his skin, and his heart was beating frantically. </p><p>He felt inexplicable rage as he stepped out of bed, seeing the picture frames that lined his dresser. He knocked them down in one go, barely hearing the sound of glass shattering. He slammed his fist over and over into the drywall, feeling his knuckles crack and seeing the evidence of blood seeping from his wounds. He fell to his knees and yelled till he could hardly breathe anymore.</p><p>As the red began to seep from his vision, he couldn't control the cries that escaped him, and for the first time in four years, he allowed himself to feel the horrible ache that came with loss.</p><p>☼</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>XOXO</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. I Should Live In Salt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm loving where this story is heading and decided why not post another chapter?</p><p>Thanks for the sweet comments! I'm feeling a lot better :)</p><p>Enjoy!</p><p>Much love &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               </p><p>
  <em> <strong>Think about something so much</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>Start to slide out of touch</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>Tell yourself it's only noise</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>Learn to appreciate the void</strong> </em><br/>
<em> <strong>You should know me better than that</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Sandor's eyes wearily opened, cringing slightly at the bright light. His head throbbed like he had a hangover. He knew that wasn't the case.</p><p>His groggy demeanor solely because he cried his fucking eyes out for a good six hours before sleep overpowered him.</p><p>Sandor despised crying not because of some macho bullshit but due to the fact it bloody hurt and made him feel worse than if he had drunk all night.</p><p>The blaring of his phone made him groan, knowing exactly who was calling due to the ringtone. He didn't have many people call him, but he damn well would ensure he knew exactly when to pick up and when to let it go to voicemail. The song 'Crazy Train' continued to play, demanding he answer. He pushed himself off the ground and grabbed his phone off his bed.</p><p>"What's up?" His throat sounded a thousand times huskier and felt raw as he spoke.</p><p>"Hello grumpy, did I wake the beast?" Tormund, Sandor's oldest friend, teased, much too cherry for ten am in the morning.</p><p>"No."</p><p>"I'll take that as a yes. Anyways, you forgot, didn't you?" Tormund's voice grew a little more serious and somewhat sad.</p><p>Sandor quickly racked his brain, trying to remember something he could have possibly forgotten. He went over to his calendar, feeling his heart sink, seeing exactly what he had missed.</p><p>"<em>Shit</em>, Tormund, I lost track of fucking time."</p><p>Sandor felt like a total bastard for forgetting Abigail's soccer game. She had begged him to show up just for one, and he couldn't even do that. Tormund was basically a brother to him, they had grown up together, and if he knew anything, it was that Tormund adored his daughter Abigail. Tormund hated seeing her upset, and Sandor knew he had gone and done just that to her. He had fucked up royally.</p><p>Tormund sighed. "I don't want to make you feel guilty, Sandor. I understand that you're a busy guy. It's just, Abigail adores you, and she really looks up to you. I know she really wanted you there, and it was heartbreaking to see how upset she was that you weren't."</p><p>Sandor shook his head, feeling like the scum of the earth. "I know. I promise I'll make it up to her. I know that's not saying much, but you know I'd do anything for her."</p><p>"If I know anything, I know how much you cherish my little girl," he paused, seeming to hesitate before continuing. "I worry about you, Sandor."</p><p>"Don't do that, Tormund. You know I can handle my own."</p><p>"You're the toughest guy I know. I'm not doubting your strength, but come on, man, you can't tell me you're not fucking lonely in that house."</p><p>"I have Stranger."</p><p>"Stranger can only give you so much, brother."</p><p>"He's enough. I got to get ready for work." Sandor kept his guards up even with those closest to him. He didn't want to talk about his feelings. He had cried them out, and now he would keep trudging forward.</p><p>"Sandor," Tormund said, exasperated. "You can't stay closed off forever."</p><p>"I'm sorry again about Abigail. I'll talk to you later."</p><p>"Sand-"</p><p>Sandor hung up the phone feeling only slightly guilty about the cold shoulder he had given to his best friend. He didn't feel like opening up anytime soon, and though he hated to be such a prick to Tormund, sometimes he could be too pushy for Sandor's tastes.</p><p>Plus, he wasn't lying. He did have work to do before his class started.</p><p>Just thinking of going to class sparked a level of anxiety in him. He didn't want to see Sansa. Unfortunately, that would be inevitable.</p><p>His hand tinged with pain, and for the first time that morning, he realized his hand was covered in blood. He analyzed his split knuckles and prodded at his bones to ensure he hadn't fractured them. He clenched his fist, only feeling mild pain. He blew out a breath, grateful that it only felt bruised underneath. He had fractured his hands countless times from stupid high school brawls, but that was when he had been young, and his bones healed faster. Granted, he was only thirty-four. Still, his body definitely didn't recover the same when it came to injuries.</p><p>He made his way to the shower, letting the steam billow before he stripped and stepped under the grueling heat. He cleaned the cuts out as best as he could and watched the blood swirl down the drain. He didn't allow himself to enjoy the heat for too long, switching the water to cold and pressed his forehead to the tile. He needed to get his thoughts in a straight line and stop letting Sansa Stark billow her way underneath his skin. If he allowed her in, it would only cause trouble for both of them.</p><p>"Easier said than fucking done," he grumbled and turned the water off.</p><p>⁂</p><p>The stares were not uncommon as Sandor walked the sociology building hallways where he taught a class, and his office was located. He mostly ignored the wary looks, knowing that the curiosity of students never ceased. They annoyed him to no end but strangling a student might not fly over too well with the board of directors.</p><p>He dropped his stuff off at his office and headed to the teacher's lounge to grab a cup of coffee. Generally, around this time, he managed to avoid another Professor. Today, proved to be different, and to his dismay, it happened to be Bronn, a glorified P.E. teacher.</p><p>Sandor's lip curled in distaste as he walked past Bronn, who stirred his own coffee with a sly grin plastered on his irritating face.</p><p>"Good afternoon, Clegane," Bronn drawled, acting like the cat that ate the canary.</p><p>"Bugger off," Sandor grunted. He wasted no time on pleasantries with Bronn. The bastard annoyed him to no end and had no issue talking about women in ways that made Sandor's blood boil. He had told the asshole so and threatened to tear his balls off if he didn't shut his cunt mouth. Needless to say, it only ended up enticing the creep.</p><p>"Ah, prickly as usual. Don't be like that, Clegane. We're friends, right?" His expression twisted into something almost sinister.</p><p>Sandor sneered. "I thought you knew better not to fuck with me?"</p><p>Bronn flicked his spoon into the trashcan, shrugging his shoulders. "Danger hasn't stopped me before. Plus, you're so easy to rile up, Clegane." He stepped closer to Sandor, making his teeth clench in response. Bronn's icy gaze wandered over Sandor before he stepped away with a laugh displaying unnaturally straight teeth. "Who would have thought the scarred loser would turn out to be a proper gentleman?"</p><p>"I guess my mother raised me right, unlike you," Sandor snapped, shouldering past Bronn knocking the asshole entirely off-balance. Even then, that didn't seem to deter him as he caught up with Sandor.</p><p>"I didn't have a mother," Bronn stated.</p><p>"As if I give a fuck."</p><p>Sandor made it to his office and took a step back, unprepared for who waited for him. Bronn sidled up next to him, and Sandor tensed, seeing the way Bronn scanned her from head to toe.</p><p>"Um, I'm sorry, I should have made an appointment." Her voice was so damn sweet. She cradled the book in her arms closer to her chest, tugging her bottom lip between her teeth. He swallowed harshly and cleared his throat.</p><p>"It's fine."</p><p>"Who are you, darling?" Bronn asked, still leering at her.</p><p>Sansa shifted uncomfortably under his stare. "Um, Sansa, Sandor's student."</p><p>"Ah, of course you are."</p><p>"I think it's time you go," Sandor said lowly.</p><p>Bronn grinned up at him and winked. "Of course. Bye, Sansa," he purred, making Sandor want to throw him face-first into a wall.</p><p>Sandor composed himself, stepping into his office, and set his coffee down on the desk. "How can I help you, Sansa?"</p><p>She smiled softly. Perhaps she finally understood those radiant smiles should be saved for the right people, not moody assholes like himself.</p><p>"I finished 'Carrie.' It was quite the whirlwind.” She said with a gentle laugh and placed the book on his desk. She tucked a strand of that beautiful hair behind her ear; his eyes concentrated on the movement. "I can see why you and your niece loved it so much."</p><p>The mention of his niece tugged him out of his thoughts. He saw the sincerity reflected in her big blue eyes. He didn't deserve it, he honestly didn't, but he couldn't help soaking in that look. She made him feel a type of way he hadn't in a very long time. He craved her light to the point he was sure he would snap soon and do something stupid.</p><p>"I'm glad you liked it." The words sounded strained, and he wondered if she noticed. If she had, she made no indication that she did and nodded.</p><p>"Um, you wouldn't happen to have another on hand, would you?" Her cheeks glowed, and she tugged at the ends of her skirt, drawing his attention to her legs covered by a thin sheer material the color of snow. He berated himself as he tore his gaze back up to her face. He had no business being a hypocrite. He wasn't a leering creep like Bronn.</p><p>He stood as if he had been shocked, smoothing down his button-up shirt, and nodded. "Yes, I think I have 'Cujo' on my bookcase."</p><p>He moved out from behind his desk, not really thinking as he stopped in front of Sansa. She blushed harder, moving out of his way. "Um, sorry," she stammered.</p><p>His office wasn't huge. He had noticed before but not to this extent. His proximity to Sansa had his heart racing. He was sure his ears were tinged pink. Thankfully, he kept his hair long. She hopefully would overlook the fact he was sweating bullets. He moved past her, making the mistake of breathing in. She smelled like vanilla and all things pure. He clenched his jaw, doing everything in his power to ignore the smell.</p><p>He found the book rapidly and yanked it off the shelf, shaking the picture frames. <em>They</em> stared back at him; their happy grins and loving eyes had everything around him fading away. He reached out, gently tracing their almond-shaped eyes and heart-shaped faces. <em>Love</em>. <em>They were love. </em></p><p>A touch to his shoulder had him snapping out of his trance. He stood to his full height, turning around abruptly and lost his balance, causing him to stumble back, bracing himself on the shelves. The bookcase rattled for a moment and settled, but Sandor's heart thundered inside his chest. He looked down at Sansa, who only smiled softly and took the book from his hand. She was too close for comfort, much too fucking close. She nodded to something that he paid no attention to because at this angle he could count every single freckle on her pretty cheeks.</p><p>"Your nieces?"</p><p>"What?" He stated a little too harsh, and yet, Sansa didn't flinch.</p><p>"Are these your nieces?" She repeated.</p><p>He pulled away from the bookcase, grounding himself, and shoved his hands into his slacks pockets.</p><p>"Yes," he said.</p><p>"Which one is Jess?" She peered over her shoulder at him, her fuzzy, peach sweater slipping with the movement, revealing pale skin. He swallowed hard, turning his attention to the picture she had been gazing at.</p><p>He moved closer, noticing how fast she straightened. He could tell she was nervous about asking such a question. It was his own damn fault for mentioning Jess's love for 'Carrie' in the first place. He had brought her up, and he couldn't blame Sansa's curiosity.</p><p>"She's on the left."</p><p>Sansa turned her pretty gaze back to the picture. "She has the same eyes as you."</p><p>"The same eyes as my brother," he stated without really thinking.</p><p>"Oh, I thought the woman-"</p><p> "My sister-in-law and best friend." He interrupted, not caring that it was rude to do so. He had just told himself earlier that he wouldn't open up to anyone. Yet, here he stood, telling a student about his family.</p><p>Sansa looked somewhat surprised by his confession. Thankfully, she didn't push further. "And your other niece's name?"</p><p>"Julia."</p><p>"Jess and Julia." She seemed almost in awe as she said their names, that radiant smile slowly starting to tug at the corners of her lips.</p><p>"Kaia begged Gregor to let her name them both with a J. He couldn't resist her puppy dog eyes. She was quick to teach her daughter's that same trick," Sandor murmured fondly.</p><p>Sansa laughed, a sweet, melodic sound that could warm the coldest of souls. "I guess the Clegane girls know how to get their way by any means necessary," she teased.</p><p>His heart ached, and he could hardly force words out of his mouth in response. "Yes, they always get their way."</p><p>"Does Julia love scary books?"</p><p>He shook his head, feeling stinging behind his eyes. "Despises them. Motorcycles are more up her alley. She helped me put my bike together. A little grease monkey."</p><p>Sansa turned to face him, tilting her head and searching his face. It made him uneasy. He could feel his palms becoming clammy, and his nerves were spiking. He crossed his arms over his chest, a defense mechanism when he became uncomfortable. "You really adore them, don't you?"</p><p>"Of course I do. They are my family."</p><p>She looked up at him through her long lashes, making his heart skip a beat. "You're a good man, Mr. Clegane."</p><p>Usually, he'd have a sharp come-back, but he said nothing. He couldn't move, fixed on her beauty and her sweet demeanor that he knew could change to feisty within a moment. He wasn't a good man. He hadn't been for a long time. If she knew the terrible things going through his head, she'd change her tune.</p><p>"I have to get ready for class." He moved behind his desk and sat down. He grumbled, unable to find his damn glasses.</p><p>Suddenly, they were extended towards him. "Looking for something?"</p><p>He snapped his head up, seeing a playful smirk on her enticing lips. He took them from her with a thank you and put them on. She winked at him. "See you in class, Mr. Clegane."</p><p>He could only nod and watch as she flitted out of his office, a little pep in her stride. He would never be able to wrap his head around the little bird. She was unlike anyone he had met before, and it terrified him to no end.</p><p>He could feel his control starting to slip with every passing interaction with her. He had to remain professional even if it drew him to the edge of madness.</p><p>Sandor peered over at his bookcase only for a moment. He forced everyone out of his mind and focused on the task at hand.</p><p>⁂</p><p>"Still exchanging books, I see?" Margaery tsked, painting her nails a bold green color.</p><p>Sansa had yet to make up her mind on the polish color she wanted. She was currently examining every bottle, fascinated by the crazy names. One was labeled 'Unicorn Puke' and another 'So many clowns, So little time.' She giggled at them, hardly paying attention to what Marg had just said.</p><p>"Are you even listening?"</p><p>Sansa heard the blatant irritation in Marg's voice. "I'm sorry, what?"</p><p>She held a nail polish that went by the name 'Kiss My A's.'</p><p>Margaery rolled her eyes. "Your professor is still lending you books?"</p><p>Sansa glimpsed the book Marg had her sights on. 'Cujo.' She had told Marg not too long ago about the books but had hardly gone into much detail over it. She hadn't wanted to discuss it due to Margaery's clear disapproval over the crush.</p><p>"Yeah, I've already finished 'Firestarter' and 'Carrie.' He had this one on hand the other day I showed up at his office."</p><p>"Oh, so you're making house calls now?"</p><p>Sansa pressed her lips together with a slight frown. "Don't look at me like that, Marg. I haven't done anything too impulsive lately."</p><p>"You already had that confrontation at the bar with him. I told you then to drop the class, and yet, here you are still encroaching on his personal space and letting him loan you books."</p><p>"What's the harm in a damn book?"</p><p>"First, it's him lending you books, and then next you're pressed up against his desk with his tongue down your throat."</p><p>Sansa flushed with heat at the thought of such a situation. It wouldn't happen in a billion years, but daydreaming never killed anyone-as far as she knew. She glared at Margaery for eliciting such thoughts.</p><p>She huffed a frustrated breath and turned her focus back to the hilarious nail polish names.</p><p>"That's not going to happen." She decided on 'Unicorn Puke.' It had been her favorite of the names and also the coolest color.</p><p>"You know for a fact he's not going to act on his baser instincts?"</p><p>Sansa snorted. "That man is so pent up, but the control he has over himself is immaculate. He won't act on these <em>baser instincts </em>as you so kindly put it."</p><p>Sansa unscrewed the cap to her polish, placed her hand on her thigh, and began to paint her bare nails.</p><p>"You act like you know everything about him. That's dangerous talk."</p><p>"I don't know everything about him. I mean, he has been more open about his family. He doesn't get all weird about it anymore."</p><p>"So, who were the girls in the pictures?"</p><p>"His nieces. They are so cute. He has such a sweet bond with each of them."</p><p>Sansa couldn't help gushing about Sandor. The way his expression grew so soft talking about them made Sansa's heart soar. She liked his scowl fine enough, but his gentle smiles were so much more inviting and comforting. They made him look young. It also made her wonder about his age. She knew he wasn't in his forties, definitely in his early or mid-thirties if she had to take a guess. </p><p>"God, you really are into this guy." Marg crinkled her nose and shook her head at Sansa.</p><p>"I guess I am." Sansa sighed, waiting for her nails to dry before moving on to the other hand. Vaguely she thought about whether Sandor would like the color or not.</p><p>"You're aiming to give your poor bestie a stroke, aren't you?" Marg mumbled, still shaking her head like a disapproving aunt who thinks you can do better with your life than chase after boys. Sandor was no boy, though.</p><p>"You need to stop stressing out over my love life. I promise I'll be careful, and I'm telling you, Sandor Clegane is a cautious man. He's not going to give up his reputation and career for a woman like me. If he hasn't done it in the past, he won't now."</p><p>The words stung slightly, coming out of her mouth. She didn't want to admit that she understood full well Sandor had zero feelings for her. However, it was the truth, and she had to accept it. Still, a girl could flirt. It wasn't like he noticed or cared that she did. His passive indifference rang loud and clear. He hardly reacted when she winked at him the other day after handing him the glasses he had left on his bookshelf. She still left the room happy as a clam because it had turned out to be the first interaction in a while where he didn't run off after something she did or said.</p><p>"You trust far too easily. You don't know what that man is capable of."</p><p>"I know he's capable of many things, but hurting me isn't one of them," Sansa said, frustrated with this back and forth with her.</p><p>Margaery blew out a harsh breath, rubbing her forehead while also managing to not ruin her nails. "I see that you will continue to defend him till your last breath. I guess I'm just wasting time trying to sway you, huh?"</p><p>"I appreciate you caring, Marg, but I've got this."</p><p>"I hope so, darling. You know I'll always have your back."</p><p>Sansa smiled. "And I will always have yours."</p><p>Marg squeezed Sansa's knee and turned back to finishing her nails. Sansa did the same, glad that she had her best friend somewhat on her side. Even though it was with much reluctance.</p><p>Sansa glanced over at 'Cujo' and smiled to herself.</p><p>☼</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>XOXO</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Hard To Find</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading and commenting!! </p><p>Much love &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    </p><p>
  <strong> <em>I don't know why we had to lose</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>The ones who took so little space</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>They're still waiting for the ease</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>To cover what we can't erase</em> </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Sandor had never been the gift-giving type. He hardly bought anything for himself other than books. Books were the only thing that kept him sane and helped him get through days that felt never-ending.</p><p>Sandor never knew what to give the people closest to him for their birthday or Christmas or whatever fucking holiday that managed to manifest itself. He sure as hell didn't know what to buy a thirteen-year-old he had spurned. Abigail had never been the type to like flowers. So, he figured that would be pointless to buy for her. She enjoyed sports but already had everything she needed in that area. Tormund made damn sure that his daughter had everything her little heart desired.</p><p>He continued to scan the aisles, hoping that something would catch his eye. The longer he searched, the more exasperated he became. He huffed a frustrated sound and turned down another aisle, only to stop abruptly. He thanked the gods above his boots didn't squeak with the action. He hated the way his heart picked up in speed just at the sight of her and that radiant smile beaming up at that kid she always seemed to hang around. Sandor would never admit out loud that seeing them together had jealously eating at every fiber of his being. He was a man, and that kid could be no more than twenty-five. He had no right to be jealous. Sansa deserved a guy her age that would give her the world.</p><p>Still, seeing the way he so effortlessly made her laugh made a horrible feeling swell up inside him. Sansa reached up, brushing a hair out of his face, and he smiled brightly down at her. He grabbed something behind him, showing her, and once again, they erupted into belly laughs. Sandor felt frozen in place; the only movement made was the closing of his fists. The kid placed both his hands on Sansa's shoulders, leaning forward so close that there was hardly any space between their lips. He said something to her, and she nodded, pressing a swift kiss to his cheek.</p><p>Sandor's heart thundered at this point. He needed to fucking move, to run from what he was witnessing, and yet, it felt like an elephant sat on his shoulders, preventing him from leaving. The kid leaned back and patted her cheek fondly before wrapping his arm around her shoulders, and they both turned to stare directly at him.</p><p>Sandor caught both their stunned expressions, and that's the moment his body kicked into gear. He didn't hesitate in hightailing it out of the store, not giving two shits how pathetic he looked. He made it to his truck, yanking the door open, and practically stumbled into the driver's seat. He was breathing hard, his chest puffing up and down so fast he swore he thought he was going to pass out. His vision blurred in and out, hands shaking with adrenaline.</p><p>"You fucking creep," he growled under his breath, berating himself for his stupidity.</p><p>He forced his hands to work, managing to get the key into the ignition. Soon enough, he found himself at a grocery store, grabbing a visa gift card that he would charge money with and let Abigail buy whatever she wanted. It wasn't personable, but hopefully, he could get his shit together and apologize profusely for missing such an important day to her. He grabbed a bottle of whiskey as well to erase the way he humiliated himself. Sansa probably would drop his class now that she realized her professor was a creeper.</p><p>Sandor returned to his truck, finding Tormund's number, and waited for him to answer.</p><p>"Sandor! It's good to hear from you, buddy," Tormund bellowed, forcing Sandor to hold the phone away from his ear.</p><p>"Are you trying to blow my eardrum out," Sandor grumbled.</p><p>"Sorry, just excited that you're calling me," Tormund chuckled.</p><p>"Yeah, yeah. You at home?"</p><p>"Sure are."</p><p>"Abigail too?"</p><p>"Yes, she's here too." Sandor could practically hear Tormund smiling from ear to ear.</p><p>"Would you guys mind if I visit?"</p><p>"Not at all! See you soon, brother."</p><p>"See you."</p><p>They hung up, and Sandor placed his forehead on the steering wheel, trying to banish Sansa out of his thoughts. He knew it was pointless, though. Sansa had officially infiltrated his mind and had no plans to leave.</p><p>⁂</p><p>Sandor pulled up to Tormund's quaint two-story house. It had the white picket fence and all. It screamed that this was a family home with the toys that littered the front yard. They were mostly trucks that he knew Abigail still enjoyed playing with, and a soccer ball was thrown in the mix.</p><p>Sandor turned off his truck and made the trek up to the front door. He rang the doorbell, hearing it resound throughout the house. In a matter of minutes, the door was yanked open, and Tormund stood there with a fierce smile. He didn't waste time wrapping his arms around Sandor, giving him a hearty hug. Sandor rolled his eyes and managed to escape Tormund's embrace, patting him on the shoulder.</p><p>"It's been much too long since we've seen each other," Tormund said, and Sandor swore he could see tears welling up in his eyes.</p><p>Sandor scoffed. "It has only been a few months."</p><p>"I think seven months is more like it."</p><p>Tormund was probably right. Sandor had turned into a hermit, hardly coming out of his house over the past couple of years. He used to see Tormund almost every weekend before tragedy struck.</p><p>"Whatever, are you going to let me in?"</p><p>Tormund stepped aside, allowing Sandor to walk inside. It hadn't changed since the last time he had been here. Tormund's wife Lydia was most likely at work. She was a nurse, and Tormund was a private contractor. So, he was able to stay-at-home more often than not with Abigail.</p><p>"Abigail's in her room. Go on up. We'll talk after you apologize," Tormund said with a wink.</p><p>Sandor didn't bother to reply and made his way upstairs to Abigail's room. He approached the blue door with her name etched out on the top. He hesitated for a mere moment before knocking softly.</p><p>"Dad, I told you I'm working on homework," Abigail called through the door.</p><p>"It's Sandor."</p><p>Silence followed for a good five minutes making sweat bead at his brows. Finally, the door opened, and there stood Abigail, her shock of orange hair an unruly mess, her big green eyes pensive. A frown curled at her lips as she stared up at him.</p><p>"What are you doing here?"</p><p>He handed her the gift card, watching her blonde brow perk up. He had always found it endearing that she had her dad's orange hair, and yet, her lashes and brows were blonde like her mom's hair.</p><p>"A gift card?" She asked.</p><p>"I know it doesn't make up for me missing your game, but I'm honestly so sorry, Abigail. I messed up, and I can't make excuses for my behavior. I promise I won't screw up this bad again." The words flew out of his mouth, and he could only hope she saw the sincerity on his face and heard it in the tone of his voice.</p><p>"You hurt me, Sandor. You promised you'd be there. I feel like you're just making empty promises at this point."</p><p>Sandor sighed, raking a hand through his hair. "I care so much about you, Abigail. Since the day you were born, I have loved watching you grow up. You are such an amazing and intelligent girl. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but know I am so sorry for hurting you."</p><p>Abigail moved further into her room, placing the gift card on the desk, and seemingly stared off into space.</p><p>"I miss them too," Abigail softly said.</p><p>Sandor went rigid, knowing who she was talking about. He had been absorbed in his misery for so long he had never noticed how affected everyone had been by the accident.</p><p>"Abigail," Sandor murmured, placing his hand on his heart, feeling the unbearable ache of loss tugging at his chest.</p><p>"Jess and Julia were like sisters to me. We could stay up all night talking about everything and anything. I can still remember us playing hide and seek or screaming at the top of our lungs at the top of the jungle gym when we were just kids. We were all supposed to go to high school together. We were supposed to be together forever, and that dream was cut short without a second thought by some careless person who decided to get behind the wheel drunk," Abigail paused and turned to look at Sandor, tears streaming down her pale cheeks, "You blame yourself when you shouldn't. You were going through a green light, and that guy ran the red. You can't hide away forever, Sandor. I need my uncle! You should have always known we were your family too! We know what you're going through! The retched agony that eats at you eats at us too!  Why can't you talk to us?! I don't understand."</p><p>Sandor had Abigail in his embrace in mere seconds, his arms caged around her slender shoulders and his palm cradling the back of her head. She sobbed into his chest, his shirt absorbing the tears.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he said over and over again, smoothing his palm over the crown of her head.</p><p>He held her against him for so long the sun was replaced with the moon. It could have been minutes or hours that passed before Abigail pulled away from Sandor, wiping the tears off of her face.</p><p>"I ruined your shirt," she hiccupped.</p><p>"It doesn't matter. I'm so sorry that I never realized how much pain you were going through. I have been so damn blind."</p><p>Abigail smiled gently. "You have to put a dollar in the swear jar," she teased. Sandor marveled at how mature she was for her age and loved her impenetrable strength. The fact she could still smile after baring her soul to him only proved she had a good heart.</p><p>"I'll do it on my way out," he chuckled, pulling her into another embrace.</p><p>"You're not alone, uncle," she murmured, snuggling into his chest.</p><p>"Thank you," he whispered, feeling choked up by the situation. He never thought a young girl would be the one to open his eyes to what he had been blind to for so long. He had kept his defensives up to ward off anyone who tried to get too close. It had caused him to push the people he considered family away and made him ignorant of their emotions. They all lost people they loved on that unforgettable day.</p><p>Tormund had been a good friend of Kaia and Gregor too. They were all raised together. Kaia and Gregor showed interest in one another at an early age, but it had been Kaia, Tormund, and himself that were always attached at the hip. When Gregor and Kaia married, it only made them all grow closer.</p><p>Tormund married young and had Abigail, who was only a year older than Jess and Julia. Back then, nothing could touch them. They were on top of the world, and Sandor was the proud uncle who adored his nieces. Then one day, Gregor became sick. They all as a family experienced real loss when Gregor passed away when Jess and Julia were only six years old. Gregor gave Sandor his wedding band when he passed away, and Sandor had worn it as a necklace for years. It was only when the accident happened that he wore the ring on his wedding finger. It made him feel closer to the family he had lost.</p><p>Sandor should have known Tormund, Lydia, and Abigail would be heartbroken without the girls. He should have seen the way it haunted them too but had chosen to wallow in his grief. Now, his eyes were wide open, and he understood that he had to be more open with the people closest to him. Sansa popped into his mind, and he shoved the vision of her away. He focused back on Abigail and told her how much he loved her before heading downstairs to finally open up to Tormund the way he should have long ago.</p><p>⁂</p><p>Sansa couldn't get the torment she witnessed on Sandor's face out of her mind. She had been so emersed in her laughter, not noticing anything around her. She couldn't help it, though. She and Oberyn had been wandering for a gift for his niece's birthday, and they happened upon a toy that reminded Oberyn of his childhood. He told her a story about how he and his sisters used to get in trouble for climbing the highest tree because their mother was terrified of them falling. He remembered how his mom would lure them down with their favorite toys and how she offered ice cream one day, which caused them all to race down the tree. They all ended up missing a branch and careened to the floor. Yet, they only ended up with bruises.</p><p>Oberyn told her how it was the best day ever, sitting next to his sisters covered in bandages and eating ice cream. The fond memory had them smiling, and for some reason, they both started bursting into laughter. She had reached up to push a hair away from his face; the bond she felt with him was strange but comfortable. Sometimes she swore Robb was living through him. The similarities between the two uncanny. She knew that not to be real, but when she was with Oberyn, she knew he would keep her safe as a brother would. He knew how to lift her spirits on the roughest of days and could bring a smile to her face whenever she felt sad. Oberyn meant a lot to her, and she considered him a close friend, the reason why she didn't care when he intruded on her personal space.</p><p>Sansa nibbled at her lip, wondering how much Sandor had seen going on between her and Oberyn. She could understand how anyone witnessing the two of them would believe them to be lovers, but that was far from accurate. The way Sandor clenched his fists led her to believe he had seen a lot of their friendly display.</p><p>"My goodness, that man looked both pissed and frightened," Oberyn remarked. Sansa felt the shiver that ran through him. She figured he'd felt the same chill she did seeing Sandor looking like an angry God before his expression morphed into disbelief as if he didn't think he would be caught. He had disappeared so abruptly she thought him to be merely a figment of her imagination. Oberyn confirmed that not to be true. He had been there in the flesh. She didn't understand what to make of his frantic departure or the look he had given her.</p><p>"Y-yes, he did," Sansa stammered, doing her best to compose herself.</p><p>She had thought everything between them had been going great lately. They had discussed 'Cujo' once she was halfway through it, and he even talked briefly about his family. He had mentioned his best friend, Tormund, and his daughter Abigail. She could tell he adored them just as much as Jess and Julia. He didn't talk about why he wore the ring or about Kaia. He hardly spoke about his brother too. She couldn't complain, though. She appreciated the little he was willing to tell her, and she told him more about her life. She mentioned her brother Robb and saw a familiar pain reflected in Sandor's eyes at the mention of cancer. She didn't press the topic and continued telling him all about her siblings and parents. He listened adamantly, but he more often than not wore a passive expression. She felt he had his guard up with her, and she couldn't exactly blame him. It had been a while since she saw such a passionate expression written across his face. She just wished it hadn't been directed at her and Oberyn.</p><p>Sandor had to have misread the situation. Sansa swallowed hard, realization dawning on her that she had affected him by being affectionate towards Oberyn. He had been jealous. Sansa saw no other explanation for the way he had reacted.</p><p>"I'm just trying to figure out why Professor Clegane looked like he was going to rip my head off."</p><p>"I've never seen that look before," Sansa whispered, fiddling with her earring. She felt a warmth in her belly that went straight to her core. She couldn't lie and say that he hadn't looked incredibly sexy, all bothered and angry. She just wished he hadn't raced off so suddenly.</p><p>"I have to say, Sansa, I think Professor Clegane has a little crush on you," Oberyn teased, sticking his tongue out at her.</p><p>Usually, she'd laugh and hit him, but this time she stood staring at the space Sandor had occupied mere moments ago. Maybe, Sandor Clegane did have a crush on her. She had honestly thought he had no feelings for her, that he was entirely unaffected by her, but perhaps she had been wrong. That look he had given her was not passive whatsoever. It was one that ignited a burn inside her that only he could snuff out.</p><p>"Oh, Sansa, you need to just go for it."</p><p>Sansa snapped out of her reverie. "What?"</p><p>"I'm sure it's taboo to fuck a professor, but you're so damn tense lately, and it's because of him. If you like the guy and he likes you, then tell him how you feel."</p><p>Sansa blinked twice. "I have to say that you're the devil on my shoulder, Oberyn."</p><p>Oberyn rolled his eyes. "I'm just trying to say that this is your last semester, and his class is just an elective you need to graduate. It isn't related to your major or anything. I mean, that doesn't sound any better. Ugh, I guess I'm trying to say do what makes you happy and screw the consequences."</p><p>"He could lose his job."</p><p>"Only if people find out."</p><p>"Every student and professor book I've read, they always get found out one way or another."</p><p>Oberyn laughed, shaking his head. "Then just wait a couple of months when you graduate and then go for it."</p><p>Sansa was shocked to realize it had already been two months since she started her last college semester. She only had two more months to go, and she'd be graduating with her bachelor's in graphic design.</p><p>Sansa could hardly believe she had known Sandor for two months already. It felt like a lifetime with the way she was so drawn to him and the way he ignited so many feelings within her. With only two months left, she didn't know whether she and Sandor would keep in touch or if he would want nothing to do with her. She could only go with the flow and not overthink the situation.</p><p>"We'll see," she murmured. "Now, let's find something for your niece, shall we?"</p><p>Oberyn smiled at her and nodded, linking their arms, and they began to scan the aisles once more.</p><p>☼</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>XOXO</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. I Need My Girl</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for all of your sweet and encouraging comments!<br/>It truly means a lot to me!</p>
<p>Much love &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                </p>
<p>
  <strong> <em>I'm under the gun again</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>I know I was a 45 percenter then</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>I know I was a lot of things</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>But I am good, I am grounded</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>Davy says that I look taller</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>I can't get my head around it</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>I keep feeling smaller and smaller</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>I need my girl</em> </strong>
  <br/>
  <strong> <em>I need my girl </em></strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>What the hell am I doing here?</em>
</p>
<p>Sandor didn't honestly need coffee at noon on a Saturday. He had worked out at the University's gym and somehow would up at Daisy's after leaving. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he had a vague idea of what brought him to the little shop. Inside was a guy that had the kind of looks that most women would desire. A tinge of jealousy struck him right in the gut and brought to mind her. Sansa's big blue eyes and pretty smiles were enough to bring anyone to their knees. He hadn't seen her since the incident at the store, grateful for small mercies.</p>
<p>Sandor exhaled a low sigh and opened the door, instantly being greeted by a crooked grin. He almost couldn't stand the kid's smug demeanor. Oberyn's confidence never seemed to waver, but Sandor didn't miss the subtle fall of his grin before he replaced it with a false smile. Oberyn's dark eyes swept over him almost cautiously, making Sandor feel uncomfortable in his grey sweats and a sleeveless shirt.</p>
<p>"Good afternoon, Mr. Clegane. The usual?"</p>
<p>It took a lot out of Sandor not to reply like a snarky son of a bitch. He didn't want this guy who had been cozied up to Sansa, breathing the same air, forehead to forehead, touching-Sandor clenched his teeth. He was behaving like a fucking green boy, and he had to cut that shit out.</p>
<p>"Yes, just a black coffee, please." He fished his wallet out of his pocket, noticing Oberyn watching him with a curious expression replacing the once anxious one.</p>
<p>Sandor didn't know what to make of the ever-changing expressions of this kid. Finally, Oberyn walked away, grabbing a cup and a coffee pot. He poured the steaming liquid and capped it once done.</p>
<p>Oberyn placed it on the counter. "1.08, please."</p>
<p>Sandor gave him three bucks. "Keep the change," he grunted, grabbing the cup.</p>
<p>"Thank you." Sandor heard the strain in his voice as if he were holding himself back from saying something he desperately wanted to say.</p>
<p>Sandor made a noise of acknowledgment and began to leave. "Mr. Clegane, wait," Oberyn called to him, halting him in his steps.</p>
<p>Sandor glowered over his shoulder at him. "What do you want, kid?"</p>
<p>Oberyn pursed his lip at the name, folding his arms over his chest. Another fucking expression change. Sandor couldn't keep up to save his life. "Do you have a problem with me or something?"</p>
<p>Sandor scoffed as if what he said was the stupidest thing he had ever heard. He turned to face him once more. "What the fuck are you going on about?"</p>
<p>Oberyn huffed out an indignant sound. "Of course, you would answer a question with another question. I can hardly understand what she sees in a brute like you."</p>
<p>Sandor froze, feeling rooted to the spot. Yet, somehow, he still could form a sentence. "I'm not going to repeat myself after this; what the fuck are you going on about?"</p>
<p>"You must be daft if you think that anything is going on between Sansa and me. She's my friend. So, don't look at me like you're going to throw me off a cliff. If you must know, she only has eyes for you, even though you're so wrapped up in your head and refuse to open your damn eyes to the reality that is in front of you."</p>
<p>Sandor swallowed around the lump that had formed. "I consider Sansa a friend, but she is also my student."</p>
<p>"And?" Oberyn raised a brow at him.</p>
<p>"And I'm not allowed to fuck my students," Sandor growled, angry at the ignorance of this kid.</p>
<p>Oberyn tilted his head, scanning Sandor from head to toe. Sandor shifted uncomfortably under his persistent gaze. His muscles tightened, his legs ready to take flight to get him far away from this kid's knowing look. "So, you want to fuck Sansa? That's all you think of her?"</p>
<p>Heat rushed to Sandor's face. He had to look redder than a tomato by this point. "I have no feelings for Sansa besides friendship. All I think of regarding her is that she is a talented, intelligent individual that has a lot to offer no matter what path she takes in life."</p>
<p>Oberyn sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm glad to see you're such a gentleman, but you're also a liar."</p>
<p>"Don't pretend you know anything about me. I'm too fucking old for these childish games." Sandor turned to leave.</p>
<p>"She likes you. She can't stop raving about you. I guess to each their own because I don't see the appeal in a man like you. I mean, you're hot, but that's really all you have going for you."</p>
<p>Sandor stormed back up to the counter, seeing excitement flash in Oberyn's eyes. The kid was fucking playing him, and Sandor was giving into the bait merely meant to rile him up.</p>
<p>"Do you enjoy taunting me?" He said between clenched teeth.</p>
<p>"It's much easier than I thought it would be," Oberyn admitted, a sly grin forming on his face.</p>
<p>Sandor had to admit it was easy to get under his skin. Bronn had no issue being a thorn in his side, and now this Oberyn kid was becoming another thorn that would be difficult to remove.</p>
<p>The door chimed, and Sandor immediately held back on what he was about to say. It was best left unsaid anyway. It would only make Sandor look like an idiot in the end.</p>
<p>Sandor turned, his heart tightened in his chest, seeing her red hair flowing past her shoulders. Her pale cheeks tinted red by the cold. She had to be the last person on earth he wanted to see. Yet, she was indeed the only person he wanted to see after all the raging feelings he had been going through these past couple of days. Her presence provided both peace and chaos, a total contradiction, but undeniably the way she made him feel daily.</p>
<p>Sansa approached the counter, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, and offered him a shy smile. "Hi, Sandor," she said, a little out of breath.</p>
<p>"Sansa," he murmured, his eyes wandering to her black coat that was tied at the waist and went to her knees. He could only see the sheer tights beneath and the curve of her neck peeking out from under the coat. It did things to him that were highly inappropriate especially given the situation.</p>
<p>"Black coffee, how predictable," she teased, a soft, pretty laugh following.</p>
<p>Sandor met her blue eyes, seeing the fondness for him reflected in them. He could feel the familiarity between them. They had been talking more recently, discussing books and personal things like their family. Her brother passed the same way his own did, but Sandor hadn't had the guts to tell her about Gregor and the reason he wore the ring.  Her genuine interest in the books he loaned her made him feel important and close to someone for the first time in years. Sandor did not doubt that he could easily fall in love with Sansa, but he wouldn't taint her. She was too precious to him, and if they were to get caught, he couldn't bear the thought of something happening to her.</p>
<p>Sandor had to have looked plenty stupid, not speaking or moving. Oberyn cleared his throat, and Sansa's smile slipped, making Sandor feel like an utter douchebag.</p>
<p>"Is predictable a bad thing?" He heard himself asking in a teasing tone that sounded close to being flirtatious.</p>
<p>Sansa's brows rose slightly, her eyes flitting between his. "No, it's not a bad thing. I prefer my coffee to be mostly sugar. It's the only way I can drink it, but you're out here drinking it without a single sugar packet. It's quite impressive." Her lips curved prettily, and Sandor had half a mind to kiss her right then and there.</p>
<p>Sandor scoffed, shaking his head. "Sugar ruins the bitter taste."</p>
<p>Sansa laughed out loud. "The bitter taste is the exact reason why I have to drench my coffee in creamer."</p>
<p>"We'll just have to agree to disagree."</p>
<p>Sansa moved closer to him; whether knowingly or unknowingly, he couldn't find it in him to care about the reason. With her this close, he could see her freckles and the crystal-clear blue of her eyes, not a single shred of another color in them.</p>
<p>"I guess so, Mr. Clegane," she said breathlessly.</p>
<p>He swallowed harshly. A bead of sweat formed, trickling down his spine. "I have to um feed my dog," he stammered, blushing instantly at how stupid he sounded. </p>
<p>Sansa stepped back, shoving her hands into her coat pockets. "Can't forget to do that," she remarked with a wink.</p>
<p>"Have a good day," he forced out, and with a nod of his head, he finally left the coffee shop.</p>
<p>Sandor had never made such a fool of himself as he did in the five minutes of being in Sansa's presence. He usually didn't sound like a complete imbecile when they talked, but that had been before he knew what Oberyn had told him. They ran rampant inside his head, and he wanted nothing more than to act on the feelings coursing through him, begging him to give into Sansa and all she had to offer.</p>
<p>Sandor reached his truck and got in hastily, somehow ensuring the cup didn't knock over as he placed it in the cupholder. He emitted an exasperated growl, berating himself for his lack of social skills.</p>
<p>Oberyn had put hope in Sandor's heart that Sansa could want an ugly, scarred brute like himself. Oberyn had no fondness for him, but it was clear he only liked Sansa as a friend. He was giving Sandor a clue that he didn't deserve.</p>
<p>A flash of eyes similar to his appeared in his mind. It drew his attention to the ring around his finger. Sandor strongly believed he didn't deserve to be happy with the knowledge his family would never get to laugh or smile or feel love again. He also knew his brother wanted him to find a woman that would dote on him.</p>
<p>Before the scars, Sandor had been the type to get around. He had had plenty of one-night stands to keep him warm at night. The women were beautiful, some kinder than others, but he never gave any of them a chance. Once his face got fucked up, those same women either laughed in his face telling him he deserved his unfortunate fate while others still had their pure hearts and allowed him to take comfort in them. They knew the void in Sandor's heart would never be filled, and eventually, Sandor found himself all alone.</p>
<p>Sandor honestly couldn't remember the last time he kissed a woman or held one in his arms. Sansa was the first woman he met that seemed to honestly not mind the scars or his standoffish personality. He wished she didn't look at him as if he had hung the moon in the fucking sky. He had only seen such adoration for him in the eyes of his family.</p>
<p>Sandor clutched his chest as a wave of pain overwhelmed him. His precious nieces had also acted as if he handpicked every star and put each one in the sky just for them. Tears stung at the back of his eyes, and he decided to go to a place he hadn't visited in months.</p>
<p>⁂</p>
<p>The smell of hospitals always made Sandor's stomach roil. He fucking hated the pristine white floors, the blinding lights, and the drab posters on the wall that had people smiling even though death ran rampant inside these walls. He found the hospital unit he needed to be in and walked up to the front desk.</p>
<p>It was Patty. He knew her quite well due to his constant visits over the years. She was an older woman, probably in her fifties, with dark skin and big brown eyes. She didn't have a single wrinkle, and in the past, when he found himself able to hold a conversation, he asked her what her secret was. She only winked and told him a woman never reveals her secrets.</p>
<p>Patty looked up from her screen, adjusting her coke-bottle glasses, and the moment she saw him, a broad smile formed on her face.</p>
<p>"Sandor, it's been too long since I've seen your handsome face. Where have you been?" she asked, setting down her pen and giving him her undivided attention.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry. School started, and things have been kind of hectic in my life."</p>
<p>She nodded understandingly. "They'll be happy to see you."</p>
<p>Sandor swallowed harshly, casting his gaze to the ugly floor. "I hope so."</p>
<p>"Just sign here, darling, and you're more than welcome to go to their room."</p>
<p>"Thank you." He signed the paper and gave her the warmest smile he could manage before walking down the hall and to the left. His feet knew exactly where to lead him even though his mind had gone somewhere else in the moment. Reality crashed back down when he arrived in front of the vibrant blue door. His palms had begun to sweat, and his heart thundered like a pack of wild buffalos inside his chest.</p>
<p>Sandor still couldn't wrap his mind around why nerves always ate at him when he visited. He shook his head and opened the door. The steady beep of the machines rang clear in the small room. The window was open slightly, letting in the fresh air, and flowers sat on the ledge. The television played an episode of 'The office.' It still looked the same as it did months ago, but thankfully the room didn't have stupid posters and was lively versus the rest of the hospital.</p>
<p>Sandor leaned against the wall and took in the two forms that merely looked like they were sleeping. He felt a knot form in his throat, and he couldn't stop the tears that rolled down his face. He stepped forward, staring down at his girls that had taken so many pieces of him all those years ago. The identical wounds on their left cheek had healed, only leaving a faint scar. They were both twelve now, but their minds still stuck at eight years old.</p>
<p>Jess and Julia had been in a coma for years. The doctor said the probability of them waking up was low, but Sandor refused to believe those odds and held out hope they'd come back to him one day.</p>
<p>They were so beautiful—his little angels.</p>
<p>A sob escaped him. He grasped both their hands, their beds so close to each other per his request. He couldn't bear the thought of them being separated or far away from one another. If they both awoke at the same time, he wanted them to be able to reach out to one another and feel one another's warmth.</p>
<p>Sandor squeezed their tiny hands gently and kissed each one. The flood of tears unable to be stopped.</p>
<p>"Please come back to me," he whispered through the ache in his throat.</p>
<p>"I love you both so much. You know that, right? Uncle Sandor loves both of you so damn much. I lost my brother and your mother, who made life so much easier to be a part of. I cannot lose both of you too. I can't, please, come back," he sobbed and felt the urge to yell, to demand the gods to give them back to him. </p>
<p>He held their hands, allowing all the pain in his heart to pour out. He had a headache by the time he finished crying. He only left them for a moment to grab tissues to clean himself up. His eyes were no doubt rimmed with red, but he couldn't find it in him to care. Sandor returned to their sides. He peered down at Jess and swore a small smile was on her face. He quickly looked at Julia and noted the same little smile. They could hear him.</p>
<p>He grasped both their hands again. "Find your way to the light. I'll be waiting for you."</p>
<p>He let go of them, pressing a kiss to both their foreheads, and with a small smile and a flicker of hope, Sandor left the room knowing that one day he would see their bright eyes and perfect smiles once again.</p>
<p>☼</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>XOXO</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>LINKS TO CHECK OUT THE PROJECT MY FRIEND AND I ARE WORKING ON &lt;3</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="https://soundcloud.com/tandm-kills">Here</a></p><p> </p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>